The Ring Check

Soooo another one of my conquests has proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was time to check in with the conquests and see who would still be up for a fuck if I dialed him now*.

1. The First- as far as I can tell, single. Last I heard, banging all his old conquests that are not currently engaged or married.
2. Penis Nano- just proposed to what I am assuming is Vagina Nano.
3. The Bartender- in a relationship. With a girl who shares my name.
4. Spring Break Guy- unknown.
5. Dr. Pothead- still in a relationship. Going on like 4 years. Told me last week he plans on proposing.
6. TrueLove- Engaged. Fiance moved from up north down to Atlanta to be with him and he popped the question.
7. The Whatever- Engaged. To a girl who apparently dislikes me despite never having spent more than 5 minutes with me.
8. Lucky Charms- single. And looking better than ever.
9. The Marine- MARRIED. Still. I know, I'm just as shocked as you are.
10. The Groomsman- Single.
11. Batboy- In a serious relationship.
12. Spring Fling- Engaged to be married in TWENTY FIVE DAYS!!!! (Babe! so says his fiance on his facebook page).
13. The Sleeper- unknown
14. The Cable Guy- unknown
15. TD Tommy- unknown

* I know, even with a ring on it they could feasibly be down to fuck.

Sex on the Beach Round Two

With summer drawing rapidly to a close, I thought it might be time to return to the sex on the beach discussion. After enjoying some animalistic sex under a pier with The First, I headed for Spring Break my senior year of college single and ready to mingle with guys I didn't know. I left single and having had sex with The Spring Fling. Not exactly what the game plan was but it could be worse I suppose.

You see, The Spring Fling was ( I guess still is) a year younger than I was and was in the group that traveled with us to Florida. He was handsome but not the type of guy I would typically go for. He was fratastic with brown hair and eyes, a nice build that he covered with polos and khaki shorts. I didn't know him all too well before we left for Ft. Lauderdale and to be honest, when we left I didn't know much more about him except he may have been a manwhore as I'm reasonably certain he fucked another girl the night before we had sex on the beach.

Of course, as with most of my college antics, I was hammered with this sexual shenanigan occurred but I'll fill you in the best I can. Unlike the previous excursion on the beach, this one started after a long night of drinking at the bars with our friends. It was our last night in Florida and we partied like it was our last night on Earth. When we got back to the hotel, 8 of us were crammed into a hotel room after losing one of our rooms (long story short, we were fucking out of control). So we changed into pajamas, grabbed more booze and headed down to the beach playground (yes, playground). After an hour or so more of drinking, everyone but The Spring Fling and I headed back up to the hotel room. We wandered on the beach, acting like fools, and once again I somehow ended up being the recipient of a tickling that led to sex (side note, how does that keep happening to me?).

Suddenly we're rolling around on the towel we had brought down and clothes are pretty much being torn off with haste. This was not like some romantic rendezvous a la Cocktail. In fact, it was short on foreplay and long on hard thrusting. Surprisingly enough, consider the amount of rolling around we did prior to insertion, no sand made it anywhere it shouldn't have been. In fact the sand on your back added another dimension. Made it feel rough and, again, animalistic. It felt like we were so full of lust we would explode from it. There was no though, just action. And it was exhilarating knowing anyone could spot us from down the beach or even their hotel room and would instantly know what we were doing. The likelihood was slim since it was around 3:30 am but not so slim that almost immediately after finishing, we saw flashlights bobbing in our direction. We sprang into action, but since I couldn't seem to locate my pants, my logical conclusion was to run and jump into the ocean. Because what other way can one hide pants than to cover oneself with water and pray the cop doesn't haul you out of the ocean half naked?

Lucky for me, the cop obviously knew a thing or two about drunken college kids. He chastised us for being out on the beach after hours and told us we had ten minutes to make ourselves scarce. So, after he had wandered a ways up the beach, The Spring Fling was nice enough to carry the towel over to me and bundle me up for the walk back to the hotel. We ended the night spooning on a pool float on the floor of the hotel room. Of course since I had no pants, I was forced to wear his boxers. Which meant everyone knew exactly what happened on that stretch of sand...

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sighhhh... Unlucky 13. I better fuck someone soon so I can get off that number.

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. TrueLove
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper
13. Touchdown Tommy

Berryfine's Reasons Why Not

Anyone remember that show Emily's Reasons Why Not? Yeah, me neither. Sorry, Heather Graham. But I did read the book it was based on and I thought of it today when my boss and I were talking about wedding announcements.

Boss: Are you excited for your trip to Vegas?
Berryfine: Well, if I actually get there and have any money when I get there then YES! Speaking of which the couple's wedding announcement is in the paper today. [I show it to her]
Boss: Oh, I love the picture.
Berryfine: The announcements are so boring though. It's like they exist simply so people's grandparents and parents can be mentioned in 8 pt font. [Boss laughs] Unless you're famous. Then they tell the story of how you met...

I launch into this story I found while stalking one of my one night stands via facebook which just made me realize...FUCK...he's not on the list so my number is actually 13. God. Damnit. WTF. So I guess I'll be amending that list soon. Anyway, read the story but the gist is this couple just kept missing each other and then timing and blah blah blah. Which lead to my boss saying this:

The man you are going to marry could be right under your nose!

To which, I responded without hesitation:

Good Lord! I hope not!

Which lead me to ponder why these guys wouldn't work out....sooo, here you go, for your enjoyment:

1. The First: Ummm, short or long version? Basically, the kid is a fuck up. Seriously, straight out of Rome, GA with the common sense of an ant (which is actually kind of an insult to the ant). Incredibly smart but ADHD and with no sense of right or wrong in that it applies to him, The First and I were way too volatile. You know how they say sometimes love isn't enough? Well, in this case love drove us both absolutely crazy. We literally brought out the worst in each other (not to mention we were straight off Jerry Springer). But the sex was great. If I could get past my mental qualms I'd probably go back for seconds. That and he'd have to lose some weight.
2. The Bartender: Monogamy occurred with Tony and my friend Krista. Who I hooked up after he and I finished having sex. I wanted a relationship, he needed a distraction from the break up. And now we are friends.
3. Spring Break Guy: Well, obviously, I have no clue what this guy's name is so that is problem number one. Number two would be that he had a girlfriend back home waiting on him to finish banging me in a bathroom. I know, epitome of class right here.
4. Dr. Pothead: Good Lord, ask my friend Shannon, this has got to be the biggest dick my vagina has ever encountered. I'm not sure my vagina could handle it. Not to mention he is super smart but kind of a space cadet due to massive quantities of weed inhaled.
5. TrueLove: Ohhhh TrueLove. He was the kind of guy who would throw you into a wall in public and just make out. With your entire face. And he has ex-girlfriend issues.
6. Penis Nano: I call him penis nano for a reason.
7. The Whatever: Well...we're best friends now. Everyone has a one that got away. This is that guy. He's bought a house with his current girlfriend so I'm sure marriage is on the horizon.
8. Lucky Charms: I used to joke this guy had lucky charms in his pants. It's not a joke. And I'm pretty sure this is the second and hopefully last guy Krista and I have both slept with.
9. The Spring Fling: Well, Matt was needy. Christ, we slept together on the beach on spring break and when we got back to school one time. He followed me around like a puppy. Which is nice on days you feel fat but on other days it is just obnoxious. If only I could take him out like a toy and play with him.
10. The Marine: Married. That would be a problem. And he had this obsession with not finishing during sex but waiting until after I fell asleep to go to the shower. WTF? Apparently, that less than one percent chance of pregnancy scared the fuck out of him but we both hated condoms. I'm sorry this will never work. And, as Vanessa can attest to, he was kind of dumb as a brick.
11. The Groomsman: My friend Brittany's fiance told me I could do better. On my birthday. Immediately prior to me ditching my friends to go get birthday sex with him. He is a great fuck buddy but lacks the common courtesy skills to be a boyfriend. Like, if something comes up and you aren't coming to pick them up, hello? CALL THEM. Jesus.
12. The Sleeper: Well, obviously, this guy will have sex anywhere and while I'm on the public places train I'm not okay with sex when other people are across the twin bed from me. Plus, we just met. Weirdo.
13. Batboy: Idk how I forgot this guy. I hiked home in the snow two miles to my friend Lexi's place after we had sex. The foreplay was great, the sex...so, so. All could be forgiven since he plays guitar except that he lives a fabulous life working for MLB, living in NYC and dating a gorgeous girl.

So, what are your dealbreakers? Could a guy you have already dated be the one? Would you be okay with that?

Updated Sexual Conquest List

Sigh, here it is. The Big 12:

1. The First
2. The Bartender
3. Spring Break Guy
4. Dr. Pothead
5. TrueLove
6. Penis Nano
7. The Whatever
8. Lucky Charms
9. The Spring Fling
10. The Marine
11. The Groomsman
12. The Sleeper