Conversations with my friends

I have a buddy back home in Jersey, we'll call him.... VM... and he likes to tease me. Mainly because after 70s Throwback and I self imploded he stumbled upon my drunken, crying mess of a self and had to spend an evening calming me down. I see him about twice a year (this year will be 4 times, a record) and we drink a couple of times and then text a few times between visits. Tonight, we were texting about a fb convo that occured earlier.

Me: I'm sorry my decision to remain single in Vegas disappoints yo. I'll look at doing it when I go for Cinco de Mayo.
VM: Well, you'll have to marry a Mexican, then.
Me: Ummm not my type. We can discuss when I come to town for Christmas.
VM: Well I'm guessing your type is somewhere between 70s Throwback and your now ex boyfriend. I'll keep an eye out.

My friends are such dicks. Just stick that knife in real hard and turn it while you're at it. Also, throw some salt on it:

Me: Haha asshole. I hate you.
VM: Haha. So when you coming home?
Me: Devember 26th to January 3rd. I hear you'll have a new roommate who is my type by then.
VM: Nice. Yeah, so I guess I'll be seeing you a lot then, huh?
Me: Haha idk about that. Rather presumptuous of you to assume so.
VM: So we're not hanging out?

Clearly, rereads the commentary because a few minutes later I get this:

VM: I wasn't assuming you and 70s throwback. What's on your mind....?
Me: Haha you just brought him up so I guess I thought you were going there.
VM: Hahahaha maybe I was.
Me: Jerk. Uncalled for. No more Jersey guys for me. We can still hang out though.
VM: You brought it on yourself.

Gosh, VM I had no clue my dating decisions were made by me and should automatically bring pain or discomfort upon myself. Asshole. I am aware I "brought it upon myself" as you so eloquently put it.

I then evened it out with the following exchange:

Me: How's your love life these days?
VM: I guess it is your turn to be a jerk, huh?
Me: Oh it's all fun and games to poke at me but when I out the spotlight on you it isn't funny anymore?

Don't fuck with me people. I will do everything to make you as uncomfortable as me. Misery loves company and all that bull shit.

Hurray Match.Com!

I love when Match.com combines its powers with Yahoo.com and brings us dating advice. My favorite part is how fucking OBVIOUS their advice is. But it's not like watching Dr. Phil and laughing as he says over and over (in nicer words) YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT- YOU KNOW THIS. Instead, they act like everything they are telling you is BREAKING news. Hey, guess what? It's not. Maybe we aren't doing it, but trust us we know it.

Take today's article: 5 Secrets to making him love you

Before I show you the 5 reasons (unless you already clicked the link) can we focus on the word SECRETS? What does that word mean? For those of you that don't know, I googled it for you:

• not open or public; kept private or not revealed; "a secret formula"; "secret ingredients"; "secret talks"
• clandestine: conducted with or marked by hidden aims or methods; "clandestine intelligence operations"; "cloak-and-dagger activities behind enemy lines"; "hole-and-corner intrigue"; "secret missions"; "a secret agent"; "secret sales of arms"; "surreptitious mobilization of troops"; "an ...
• communicated covertly; "their secret signal was a wink"; "secret messages"
• not expressed; "secret (or private) thoughts"
• hidden: designed to elude detection; "a hidden room or place of concealment such as a priest hole"; "a secret passage"; "the secret compartment in the desk"
• privy: hidden from general view or use; "a privy place to rest and think"; "a secluded romantic spot"; "a secret garden"
• confidential: (of information) given in confidence or in secret; "this arrangement must be kept confidential"; "their secret communications"
• something that should remain hidden from others (especially information that is not to be passed on); "the combination to the safe was a secret"; "he tried to keep his drinking a secret"
• indulging only covertly; "a secret alcoholic"
• information known only to a special group; "the secret of Cajun cooking"
• mysterious: having an import not apparent to the senses nor obvious to the intelligence; beyond ordinary understanding; "mysterious symbols"; "the mystical style of Blake"; "occult lore"; "the secret learning of the ancients"
• mystery: something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained; "how it got out is a mystery"; "it remains one of nature's secrets"
• the next to highest level of official classification for documents

Anyway, since I already explained that these ideas they are sharing are fucking obvious then they cannot be a secret now can they? Also, the title implies that by using these secrets you can get ANY guy to fall in love with you. If that were the case, I'd have a bundle of beaus off the first fucking secret they reveal. FAIL Match.com, FAIL.

So what are these secrets?

1. Share an activity. Really? Should we do things we both like? He likes? I like? Should we do these things together or apart. Oh gee, Match.com give me more!
2. Cheer him on. Does this have anything to do with that fantasy guys have about giving it to the head cheerleader? Don't worry boys, I still have my cheerleading uniform.
3. Let him be himself. Damnit, I want to change him! Why can't he be the guy I want him to be?
4. Tell him what you think. Ummm I don't know if he actually does want that. Or if the rules allow it.
5. Give him his space. So you're saying that putting my tampons in his bathroom the day we first hooked up was a bad idea? Guess I shouldn't have notified my apartment I wouldn't be renewing my lease either...

And there you have it people. Match.com's secrets for making a man fall in love with you. Now go get 'em tigress!

Why Google is Bad for One Night Stands

In 5 minutes patrolling the internet, I discovered the following about a guy I hooked up with:

1. He has a girlfriend (well no wonder he knew what to do with his tongue. If it were appropriate, I would send her a thank you card).
2. He is on a site called Woooo Me (now whether that's old or not, it's the first thing that popped up when I typed his name in. Also, of note, body shape doesn't matter to this guy. What a sweetie).
3. He went to my high school (cue it's a small world after all).
4. ANNNDDD I used to hang out with his older brother (thank god I can safely say I have not hooked up with him).
5. He graduated with MY BROTHER making him 2 years younger than me (and forcing me to break one of my own policies about sexual partners).
6. He is a pothead (I mean I like to relax too but if every damn picture of you has your eyes completely closed while open then we might have an issue)
7. He dated a friend of a friend (awww damn, its like six degrees of separation. Now we hooked up too!)

Now, let's say I google someone else I dated or hooked up with...here's what I might discover:

1. He's married
2. He's engaged
3. He has a girlfriend
4. He has a horrific disease
5. He is on a sex site...jacking off
6. He was busted as a drug dealer
7. He lives with his mom

I mean, I could keep going, but let's be honest it only gets worse from there. With the advent of internet, it may seem like no one can get away with anything anymore but only if you are smart about how you do your "stalking". And a good sexual escapade can be ruined by your snooping but if the information is all out there why would you not check it out? Especially with our habit of falling in love with those we fuck (I say fuck because seriously ladies if you have sex the night you meet chances are its not a relationship. Trust me, I keep trying and it doesn't work). While you may think you owe it to yourself to find out everything you can about a potential hookup, maybe you are ruining your chances of anything developing. Not to mention cutting short that delicious I just had awesome sex afterglow that could last for days. And, while we're on it, snooping into his background could be the excuse he needs to dump you before you've even dated or, in an extreme case, murder you.

So tell me, what have you discovered when snooping on someone you've hooked up with? Would you google a hottie to find out deets or wait to find them out from him?

Hindsight is 20/20

Ahhh the one who got away. He has such power; able to bring both nostalgia, bitterness and regret when he enters the mind. Some people have more than one that got away and let’s face it any guy you come across with a ring on his finger is one who got away. But THE ONE who got away has the power to bring you right back to the time you could have been something more than what you were no matter where you are in life. Or who you are with.

My one that got away is a high school crush. I say crush because we have never been able to get our shit together enough to actually date. Scott, or CHOPS as my step father affectionately calls him, was in my junior year math class. He was a senior (I’m just that smart…well, I was in high school). We sat next to each other. You could often find us talking between classes. When second semester rolled around and we no longer had class together, I’d slip silly notes into his math class before it started. I had the BIGGEST crush on him.

Come to find out, it was mutual. Though we had so many miscalculations I would never have thought he was interested. And apparently he somehow had no clue I was interested in him. A quick run down of our near misses:

• He asked me to go see a movie with him in typical, vague high school fashion. The only thing he said was “Want to go see a movie Friday”. Which would lead one to believe he would confirm at another point in time the time and movie you’d be seeing. Or that he was just saying it to say it. Either way, by 6:15 pm on said Friday I hadn’t heard a word from him and feeling depressed called my friend Cortney. She suggested shopping and in less than five minutes was at my house picking me up. At 6:30 pm, my newly acquired cell phone was ringing. My mom wanted to notify me that a very attractive boy was at the house looking for me. Well, what the hell did he expect? He never specified a time! And after sitting around all afternoon waiting for him, I assumed something better came along so I went on a pity party to the mall!
• Another time, he mentioned a band was playing and said I should go. Not I should go with him. I thought it was just a general friend to friend suggestion. So I skipped out. Which I heard through the grapevine Monday, he was rather upset about. Whoops.
• He did manage to ask me to prom one afternoon in the hallway between classes (this was before MTV had everyone thinking you had to ask your date in elaborate, 80s movie style). I said yes and got so excited. I immediately went dress shopping. At prom, we barely danced. We got back to the house for the after party. He wrestled a friend, broke his finger, and another girl in our group proceeded to hop in his lap and coddle his finger. Well, what was I supposed to do then? Kick her ass? Fuck that, I played pool with a trio of guys who came over even though they didn’t go to Prom. If he wanted me to take care of he should have unceremoniously dumped her on her skinny ass and told me so.

Since then, we went off to college at UGA, graduated and moved on. We randomly bumped into each other making empty promises to hang out (and invariably making whoever was with us uncomfortable with our affection for each other). Now, he lives in Jacksonville and I live in Atlanta. I’m lucky if I see him more than once or twice a year. Though we’ve made efforts to make it more, one of us always ends up blowing the other off when we make plans that involve just the two of us grabbing dinner. We flirt, facebook, text and always grab a picture together for our parents (who not so secretly want us to get it together). We’ve shared couches and cuddled in hotel rooms but never got past that. I’ve never even kissed him! His sister pulled me aside at the last wedding we were all at to tell me that we had to get together because she had a dream that we were married and how perfect would that be? Which now has him on my mind…ALL THE TIME.

Who is your one who got away? Is there someone who you dated and wished you had stuck it out with? Has anybody looked their one who got away up and tried a second time around?

I'm in LOOOVVVEEEE...

Okay, not really so don't get all excited and start picking out china designs for me! Instead, I wanted to talk about a common occurrence (from what I understand) of how love and sex get twisted around.

Yesterday, while working, I had on the first season of Samantha Who? and my favorite episode came on. Okay, maybe not my absolute favorite because I adored that show but the commentary on this episode is particularly funny and appropriate for this blog so I thought I would share and then maybe add my scattered thoughts to the mix. Samantha has sex for the first time since she has developed amnesia due to a hit on the head (its more involved than that but if you want to know more, rent the show on DVD and find out). She comes running into work to confide in her best friend that SHE.IS.IN.LOVE. LOVE. After a few weeks of dating and one week of sex. The reason I love this episode so much? Because it admits that even us "adult" women fall prey to this same phenomenon that we indulged in as "kids". But the best part of the episode, and possibly the most truthful part, comes courtesy of my favorite character Andrea.

"It is just biology! You have sex, your face gets flushed, you feel all warm and wonderful. It seems like LOVE but its actually just nature's way of telling you to stick your panties in your purse and RUN."

I love everything about Andrea- I want to be her!

Don't lie. We've all been here. We have fantastic sex and suddenly we're weaving fantasies about happily ever after. Very few times have we just approached sex in the logical, "Well that's done and it was fun" manner. For God's sake, The First and I had sex THEN started dating. Basically because we were having sex. Which is all well and good when you are in college, but as a grown-up? Not so much. Thinking back, I think every guy I've slept with has had a nice little love fantasy weaved about him. Except Penis Nano. Because who wants to be stuck with Penis Nano?

The First and I were going to move to NYC and live in a nice apt for a while. Then move to the suburbs and have a house with a wrap-around porch and rocking chairs. He'd work in PR and I would work for a magazine. And...well, how that fantasy died is for another day. Suffice to say, last I heard The First is living in bumfuck, GA after dropping out of law school and I'm working as a medical biller and living in metro-Atlanta.

Sometimes, we don't even have to have sex for me to fantasize about happily ever after. Let's face it, when you're single and jonesin' for someone you just can't help it. Sometimes, I pretend gym crush isn't in a relationship with a baby (or covered in tattoos) and imagine us dating...after he throws me into a shower and has sex with me of course. Got to wash off that grime.

What is it about sex for women that is directly linked to love? We obviously don't have to BE in love to have it (see my number of partners for evidence of this) but often times after having it, everything is so perfect and wonderful. It's easy to slip on the rose colored glasses and imagine that awesomeness just continuing in a neverending loop with that same person who just made you cum three times in a row. Ahhh pheromones.

What are your thoughts on this topic? Am I alone in fancying myself in Love (or very strong like) after sleeping with a guy?

bridal shower - you can come if you bring food.

So I guess since I was semi-introduced in Erin's weekly "Monday Musings" post I shall take the time to say hello. Hello! I feel like I am at a loss of words and if you know me, that is very unlike me. But I feel like I need to be really eloquent and witty since I am guest blogging on Erin's blog. No pressure. No pressure. No pressure. But this evening I have something REALLY important to talk about.
I want to start it off with a little disclaimer. I do not hate love. I am not a scorned single female either. I do not hate weddings. I am not the typical girl in the south who is itching for a diamond on a certain left hand finger. I would like a diamond - I actually want a $16,000 ring - but I don't need to be engaged to be happy.

....so where to start. I guess I will start by saying that I am a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding this year. Yay weddings! I like weddings. I like the open bars the dancing, the mixin, the minglin... 8 times out of 10, weddings are fun. I have been a bridesmaid 3 times before being asked to be in this wedding. Some may call me a pro, not 27 Dresses pro, but a pro. However, I have never ever ever been to a bridal shower until this past Sunday. Shocker, I know. Been in 3 weddings attended 0 showers. No, I am not a horrible bridesmaid, I was always 600+ miles away from the event. I sent my "I wish I was theres" and a gift, but I did not grace people with my presence. Even though I have never been to a shower, I know there are somethings that just do not happen when i comes to showers. ....And this is where the story REALLY begins to unfold. Get comfy.

I got an invite about a month ago. Invite, cool, normal. No. This was a "Evite" thanks to Evite.com. Aren't invites supposed to be printed up nicely? Whatever, we're in a recession. I forgive you. I being to read the invite. The first thing I notice is that the event is from 11:00 AM - 7:00 PM. WTF?! That is like 8 hours of bridal showering. What in the hell do you do for 8 hours?! Are there even that many shower games? Next I see that it is BYOF (bring your own food). No, you do not have to read that again. You read it right. BRING.YOUR.OWN.FOOD. Evidently we were supposed to make a family breakfast item, bring it and the recipe for the bride's cookbook. My family doesn't do breakfast. We throw something together and run out the door. Can I bring Fruit Loops?! ....But that isn't even the point. I may be a bridal shower virgin, but I know that those who throw the shower cater the food. Guests show up, bring gifts, mingle with friends, meet new people, celebrate the bride.... they don't slave over the stove the night before. So what did I end up bringing? Cinnamon bread from a box. The back said I needed 2/3 cups water, 1 egg, preheat the oven to 400, put it in a pan, and to wait 45 minutes. Sold to the lady who hates to cook. You know, I would have said "ok cool" if they had come to me and said "hey, you're a bridesmaid. the economy is tight. we want to cater. can we split it." I would have said "sure, no problem. I will bring a check to the event." But no. We all had to cook - the bride's mother brought food. Lastly, the event had to be the weekend before Valentine's Day because one of the hostesses is obsessed with love. Nothing against love, but no lie... Cupid puked all over this house for the event.

I get to the shower. Yay. Awkward. Normally I am not one to turn down booze, but at 11:00 AM on a Sunday when I have shit to do. Where are the other beverages? Oh there are none. Great planning, I guess I missed on the invite when it said bring your own beverage too. There was more food than we needed. Everyone went home with more than half of a platter. Needless to say my boyfriend was pleased with the fact that GIRLS EAT LIKE BIRDS AND THERE WAS NO POINT FOR 20+ BREAKFAST ITEMS IN ONE HOUSE! ...Next I want to just comment on how one of the girls throwing the shower who is borderline 30 was wearing a pink frilly dress that was clearly bought out of a juniors section. Not trashing the JR section, I can be found there every now and then... but you won't see me proudly strutting around in a dress that a 13 year old wore to their Middle School Valentine's Day dance. The Maid of Honor, Lord how I love her. She is out of control. Well, she has never been a maid of honor. She didn't know that she had to hold onto all the bows and make a bow bouquet for the rehearsal. You would have thought they were going to skin her alive because everyone around her was like "what?! you don't know how to do this?" gasp.sigh.gasp some more. Me in my corner itching for some fresh air felt horrible for her. Not horrible enough to speak up though. We played two games. I kept wanting to pull my blackberry out of my purse but I couldn't be rude, after all, I am a bridesmaid. Gotta be smiley happy lovey 24-7.

Oh that 8 hour invite. Evidently the girl who made the Evite couldn't figure the program out. So she just made it an all day affair. Are you dense?! Oh. And how can I forget that she sent out like 4 other Evites saying "what food are you bringing?!" or "if you aren't going to bring anything please let me know". It was an Evite overload. One was manageable. 5 was too many.

Lesson to everyone throwing a shower: don't make your guests bring food. It is tacky. I do not know how many phone calls I got asking if they read the invite right. If you cannot afford to cater and host, go in with multiple people, ask the bridesmaids to chip in, or just do not host a shower. You don't want to be the cheap-o hosting a shower.

....this is going to be a long few months until the festive affair. Maybe I can do bridal shower #2 soon. That is if Erin asks me back.

Love...in his pants

Jizz In My Pants Video

Okay I know this video is old but I just watched it again and...seriously, I am in love with Andy Samberg. I mean, he can jizz wherever he wants as long as he marries me. I love the song and it gets stuck in my head (awkward to sing in an elevator ps) but he's also (obviously):

• Smart
• Funny
• Not above 12 year old humor which we all know I love
• Successful

Now I don't know if he is also into sports but I will guess YES because I like it. I'm fairly certain if he didn't drive a truck I would still be okay with it....