Conversations with my boyfriend Part II

I get a lot of questions about having a boyfriend. For instance, how on earth did you get one? Well, that is a mystery to me, too. The funny thing is he tried to ask me to be his girlfriend one time and I changed the subject. "How bout that Phillies game last night?" I'm sure he really appreciated it but also kind of expected it when I tried to tell him to end it before it began. So imagine my surprise when I suddenly had a facebook official relationship status going on in my life. Without AWKWARD MOMENT #2 this would not have happened as an FYI.

Him: I need more hangers.
Me: Ummmmm why?
Him: Because I started unpacking shit from Florida and there is nice stuff that needs to be on a hanger.
Me: Idk why you did that. You just have to pack it back up when you move in to be with me.
Him: It was trash bags. And plus you're moving to Nashville with me if the show doesn't get picked up so you can support this unemployed actor.
Me: What? I signed a new lease last week.
Him: Then we both need this show to get picked up.
Me: No we don't. I would never see you.
Him: You would be on the road with me.
Me: Oh you'd take me with you? That is so sweet.
Me: How would you explain me to the production crew?
Him: I'll say it's complicated. Haha.
Me: Ha then I'm not traveling with you. Have fun.
Him: Well then tell me how to describe us.
Me: Ha. Idk but I'm not being it's complicated.
Him: Well you make the decision on what we are.
Me: Why am I making the decision?
Me: Are we really making a decision about us on text? Haha.
Him: Because I want you to.
Him: Hahaha yup.
Me: This is ridiculous.
Me: I cannot make this decision for us.
Him: Why not? I support your decision.
Me: Is this some kind of trick?
Him: I don't play games.
Me: This is a game!
Him: Nope.
Him: What would you call us?
Me: Right now? Idk. I mean if you took someone else home I'd be upset. And I'm not interested in seeing anyone else.
Him: I feel the same way. So we're dating.
Me: It would seem so.
Him: Well, good for us.

And this is how my boyfriend tricked me into dating him. I walked right into the damn trap.

Conversations with my boyfriend...

So weird to say it- I have a boyfriend. And you're thinking to yourself, who the hell would admit to dating this crazy-ass chick. Let me tell you he is a nut job himself. Someone ought to commit him to an institution for even thinking he wants to date me. But he does, in fact, he insists. And I thought this text convo today perfectly conveys how this is going to work:

Me: OMG we cannot have sex.
Him: And why is this?
Me: Well now I know how to get an immediate response from you.
Me: I CANNOT be eskimo sister with that girl L.
Him: I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. And there is no such thing as Eskimo sisters just brothers plus if she slept with 70s throwback you would be anyway.
Me: 1. Fuck you. I'm working. 2. Yes, there is such a thing. Might have a different name but it exists. 3. She hasn't slept with the 70s throwback.
Him: But what if she did?
Me: That is a disgusting image. And I would have been there first so it isn't as bad.
Him: You're talking crazy talk right now.
Me: hahaha J brought it up. Cause we are eskimo sisters. Then we started running through the group and I had a panic attack.
Him: I'm going to yell at J.
Me: She's about to talk me out of BJs too.
Him: You should get back to work.

10 minutes later:
Me: Would you wear a mexican wrestling mask and speak spanish to me during sex if I asked you to?
Him: Sure.
Me: Hahahaah omg I am so out of control. J is not helping at all.
Him: I'm still down for it though.
Me: Hahaha idk if I could control my giggles but we should legit try.
Him: We're doing it.
Me: Omg I can't wait. You better prepare some sexy Spanish.
Him: Just the accent might be better. My spanish is more confused than sexy.

Yeah, I see why we're dating now.

Welcome to Singlehood!

Last night a buddy of mine and his long-time girlfriend broke up. Not for the first time in recent weeks but the fights were getting repetitive and nothing was going to change. The gist? She wanted to settle down in a city and he is working for a company that has rotations. He's lived in Pennsylvania, Atlanta and, starting in January, California. He's given up opportunities to live in Illinois and a few other places to appease her and had one last rotation left. He went so far as to interview with companies in the city she lived in. A few nights ago we had a long talk and I had a feeling it was going to come to an end soon. Last night I got the text but was surprised to see SHE BROKE UP WITH ME HAHA pop up on my blackberry. I called him and we chatted for a bit- he seemed fine but I guess it was inevitable. Later that night the following text exchange occurred:

J: TV is way better with Sam Adams.

B: Most things are better with Sam Adams J.

J: True. Whoooaaa! HBO has porn now? It's only 11. This ain't cinemax!

J: Add in Sam Adams and good night.

J: The history of porn is on hahaha.

B: Wow hopping right into the single life. Ahhh the excitement of weeknight porn and brews.

J: Fanfuckintastic. I missed so much.

J: It's even in Spanish!

B: Wow bilingual porn. You're so worldly J.

J: Livin' the dream.

J: Cum apparently has vitamins in it?!?!?!?!

B: Yep. Sperm is good for me. It was all over the news years ago.

B: Makes hair shinier. Skin clearer. Teeth whiter.

J: hahahaha

J: Wow

B: Glad HBO and I could educate you.

B: There's your future. Bottle that shit up.

J: Wow little did I know every man's dream helped women be healthier.

B: hahaha ANNNNNND More attractive. Win win really.

J: Seriously, why do we not get daily blow jobs then?

B: Dating the wrong girls I suppose.

B: Some girls dislike giving them. Which just blows my mind.

J: Apparently!!!

J: i need one of these who looks out for her health and beauty!

J: I know this seems crazy to me. Oral both ways is awesome fun.

B: Haha well there are guys out there who don't agree with that sentiment. We should just round them up and ship them to an island.

J: Seclude them. They are obviously not human!

J: When blessed with regular BJs the world would be a better place. World problems would be solved.

B: Haha omg you could run for president on that platform. You'd be king of the world.

J: That and threesomes. I would own the world.

B: Except that one island.

Did I mention this guy is part of my gaggle? Totally ridiculous- good to know he's a typical male. I bet you're wondering how his ex is doing? Well according to him, she hasn't blocked him on facebook yet. "She has some bullshit, emo song lyric as her status. Woe is me". Just another example of how we all handle breakups differently- she'll OD on ice cream and he'll OD on porn. Welcome to singlehood!

From Around the Interwebs

• Looking to enhance your libido? Look no further than a fucking sugar pill. Literally. According to researchers, as long as a woman THINKS she is taking the female viagra pill, she is benefitting from it. I know, it makes no fucking sense to me either. That might be because I'm a goddamn nymphomaniac but whatevs. If you need to know, check out the article here.
• Remember how much I liked The Secret Life of the American Teen? Well, its gotten a little insane recently with the grade whore (and original teen with a secret's neighbor) got knocked up and instead of opting for the expected (and totally truthful) abortion, homegirl is having her baby. Perhaps its not so far off base if recent research is any indication. According to the CDC most sex ed classes are omitting education on birth control. Clearly, its time to harken back to the olden days; married by 15, knocked up by 15 1/2. Thank God I was born in the 80s.
• Want to pay for sex? Don't go trolling Craig's List. Apparently, they have cleaned house. I heard about this on tv but wasn't really listening to it. Something about people bitching about shit? I don't know. You can read about it here if you give a shit. Have a good laugh that trash is moving on.
• You know the beep, the ping that says someone somewhere is communicating with you. You're so connected that hearing that beep pains you if you aren't close enough to check it. Don't worry, friends! You may be digitally dependent but its acceptable to check your blackberry during sex! More socially acceptable than say...checking it during a wedding. I call bullshit because I'd rather your hands be roaming my body than gliding over your fucking full keyboard but whatever gives you an excuse to piss me off and treat me like shit. Can't argue there.
• Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore? I cannot fathom why. For a number of reasons. First, who the hell would hook up with him at this point. He is batshit crazy. Second, how does he have time to fuck when he's so busy entertaining the masses in 140 characters or less on Twitter. I'm too lazy to think of more but if I had to come up with a reason I could probably come up with two- 1. Demi Moore is like his fucking grandmother or something 2. Fucking her was probably literally like fucking a barbie doll considering she's almost completely made of plastic at this point. So, yeah.
• Who wants to see Easy A? I might have a girl crush on Emma Stone. Also, shit looks funny. Also, I'd like to see the sex scene she filmed while having an asthma attack.
• I don't watch Big Brother but apparently I need to be. John James, house hunk or something, says the following " I think blow jobs are degrading". Hmmm, what makes you think that, sweetie? Is it the girl on her knees? Or the facial expressions you make while she's going down on you? While you're reading his thoughts on blowjobs, be sure to check out how he counts the number of women he's had sex with because it's awesome how he has made himself seem like a gentleman and a minute man all in one.
• Is sex economical? Blow jobs are. Seriously, if my economics teacher had taught in sexual terms I would have gotten an A in that class.

When It Rains It Pours...

No, I'm not talking about Golden Showers (ummm fucking EWWWWW).

Instead I'm talking about the fact that I was on a date last night with the Commercial Banker and I had 4 phone calls and 5 texts during which two guys proceeded to ask me out.

Talk about AWKWARD.

The Commercial Banker and I have the same damn phone and ringtone, so every time it went off we were both like whose is it. Then when his phone went off he just assumed it was mine. At one point he joked I was going to HAVE to answer it sometime.

Thank GOD I didn't!

The only good thing about it is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. The bad thing is I'm not remotely interested in either of them. I hate telling people no.

From the Text Files

So today I get the most awesome text convo ever and thought I should share it with you:

Friend: Did I tell you what I am doing tomorrow?
Me: Ummmm no?
Me: Blogging on XXX XXXX XXXXX?
Me: Leaving your boyfriend for Robert Pattinson?
Me: Relocating to France?
Friend: Participating in a 5K
Me: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Friend: You'd kill me in my sleep if I didn't pass on R Patz along.
Friend: Yup. 7:30 am
Me: I thought for sure I'd be let down by your response after my awesome guesses but NO! You still managed to make me spit my coffee. Well done.

Is there anything cooler than having someone tell you about something you love that they are participating in? Especially when they say they are pumped up about it?