Cumming

Remember how I bitched about The Commercial Banker and his text about cumming in my face? No, don't read anymore. Instead, go here and read this rant and then come back.

Caught up?

Okay, great.

Recently, the Ego Booster and I have entered what I suppose is the next stage of our long distance whatever: SEXTING.

It started out innocently enough with a comparison of who had a comfy bed. Which of course, I do. And of course, I'll share with the right person at the right time (as in whoever Mr. Right Now happens to be).  As one would expect, this is slowly progressed to hinting about sex. To straight up talking candidly about it.

And then came the unexpected:

"Oh wow, that was a nice dream. I made a mess on you. Going back to bed now."

Yeah, take a moment to process that. The nice guy who took care of me when I was completely out of control, cuddled with me but was nice enough not to put the moves on me since my grandmother had passed away and took me out to breakfast before I left town wants to MAKE A MESS ON ME?

Wtf is up with you guys? We're not goddamn fire hydrants and you're not fucking dogs marking your territory. Why the obsession with cumming ON US?

The more interesting thing to me is I didn't immediately terminate all conversation with him. In fact, I called him on it. Whereas with the commercial banker, I told him he was an asshole and deleted his number. With ego booster, I shot him a text in the am that said:

"Well that was an interesting text to wake up to. I hope you cleaned up after yourself ya jerk."

Ego Booster felt terrible (or made it seem like he did).

EB: Yeah that was a little much. Sorry Berryfine. It won't happen again.
B: Which part?
EB: Falling asleep and waking up to text you results of my dirty as can be dreams. 
B: So you'll continue to make a mess of me in your dreams?
EB: Yeah, I'm sure I will. You don't need to read about it first thing in the morning.
B: Well I guess at least you enjoyed your dream

The rest of the morning, he spent his texting apologizing and offering me everything from doing chores around my apartment to cooking for me to massages. I guess he saw the window of opportunity was about to slam shut and was trying to slow it enough to hop on through.

But seriously, can ANYONE explain to me the fascination with men and marking us with their cum? Ego Booster didn't even attempt to explain though he was suitably grossed out when I put it in context for him. When I explained it's not fun to take a cum shot to the face. And referred to myself as a cum receptacle. I think that about did it for him.

Any theories out there?

Well that was over quick...

So you're probably all wondering the results of my date with The Commercial Banker...well, let;s just say it was over quick and I was left high and dry (literally and figuratively). The case for fucking on the first date has been made (because at least then I'd have gotten some).

Remember how I asked you guys your thoughts on talking about sex on the first date (and how none of you responded)? Well, it wasn't THAT bad. There was the sex bet joke but other than that no talk of it. In fact, homeboy doesn't have the balls to say this to my face but don't worry I got these texts on a Saturday afternoon:

Can you handle my cock in your mouth after UA wins the national championship?
If Alabama wins the national championship I get to cum on your face.

My response:
Wow Commercial Banker you're fucking classy

His:
I'm drunk.

Later on, his house floods. He texts me and tells me. I kind of feel bad and being the nice person I am I ask if there is anything I can do. He says the following:
No, thank you though. Karma for me wanting to cum on your face. haha.

So, yeah, that's not going to work. A friend of mine and I were out to dinner and I told her about it and she was as offended as I. In fact her first response was "What if it got in your eye? OUCHHHH."

The more I think about it, the more I realize that commentary like that is one thing when you're with your guys and your showing off and being dicks. But when you are trying to spend time with a girl, all that those texts show me is you have zero respect for me (and possibly other women). There is nothing nice about having a guy shoot his load into your face in any stretch of the imagination. And especially if you're bringing it up before we've even kissed or gone on more than one date. I don't care how drunk you are, you just don't say shit like that.

Surprisingly enough, we have not spoken since then (aside from my response to the last text calling him an ass). Unfortunately, I will have to see him at the birthday party of my best friend's child this weekend. The juxtaposition of a one year old smashing his cake and a 28 year-old behaving worse than said one year old should be entertaining. And incredibly awkward but I just plan on ignoring him the entire time. If anyone says anything...well, I don't know what I'll say.