How the Hell DO You Do It?

Parents!

Good Lord, I am caring for my 15-year-old sister this week while my mom is in New Jersey caring for my sick grandmother. I have to tell you, this whole week has been a lesson in why I am NOT having children!

My alarm is set for 5 am.

Which would be fine if I were going running but I'm not digging the dip in temps. I don't mind it during the day but going from 80+ at 5 am to 30 degrees in the blink of an eye is NOT working for me. Anyway, I wake up at 5 am so I can shuffle my way down the hall to my sister's room because SHE needs to be up at 5 am.

Why on earth am I doing this?

Sweetie pie broke her damn phone this week. I certainly don't have the money to buy her a new one and apparently she sleeps right through her alarm despite it waking the entire house up. So I wake her up at 5 am because SHE NEEDS TO DO HER HAIR.

I have to tell you, it can't take more than 10 minutes to do but whatever.

At 6 am, I drag my sleepy self out of bed and hop into the shower. By 6:30 am, I am out the door to DRIVE her to school because GOD FORBID sweetie pie ride the BUS.

"I need to be there by 6:45 am so I can look over my notes."

Right. I wasn't born yesterday. She wants to be there early enough to canoodle with her boyfriend.

Then I head to work and...well, work. At 1 pm, I head home to work the last 2-3 hours of my day from home (perk of the current job which ends on Monday). I have to CRAM the hours in because promptly at 4 pm, we have to climb into my sister's car (which really is just the car that sits unused in the driveway) so she can MOSEY over to swim team. Then I RUSH back home to spend an hour and a half doing my freelance assignments/blogging. Then I hop back into her POS car and drive back to her swim team practice location and she drives us home.

It's now 7 pm. WHAT THE FUCK IS FOR DINNER?

Did I mention I can't cook?

So, we eat whatever I come up with (chicken nuggets and tots). And then I have to digest for a bit and help her with her homework. PLUS I have to catch up on all the gossip from her school (Brent refuses to go to Carraba's for dinner for Homecoming so now we are trying to decide between Red Lobster and Texas Roadhouse. I mean, seriously? Hannah is having everyone over afterwards and NO ONE wants to go. Meredith said she is going to drink at Hannah's because it's the only way she'll get through it without ripping Hannah's hair out. Tori told India and India is a Baptist so she won't speak to Meredith because clearly Meredith isn't a good christian if she is going to drink. So Meredith posted a facebook status about it and India told her she needed to be more mature and not air everything out on facebook. Now the group wants to go to Bonefish. Which Nick and I cannot do because Nick is paying for everything with the money he made this summer. What should I do? Elaina and Madelyn aren't talking anymore which is good for me since Elaina and I are in PEAK together and now Elaina talks to me. Meredith, Ali and Bo didn't make it but only Bo really deserves it...and on and on and on and on).

I'm exhausted. I can't even drag my ass out of the chair to go for a run anymore. I do some crunches while she tries on all the possible combinations of outfits she has picked out from both her and my mothers closet. By the time she's finished, I'm half asleep and its 9 pm.

Another run missed.

I WANT THIS!

Ummm who needs a water bra when you can purchase a booze bra?!?!

In the spirit of Thirsty Thursday, I thought I might make a list of places I would wear this bad boy. Here we go:

• Shopping. Some girls love it. Me, not so much. It may have to do with the fact that I am virtually penniless or perhaps the fact that the sizes those no talent clothing assholes expect us to fit into are UNREAL, but shopping for me is like a punishment. Online shopping on the otherhand...anyway, just think, dress is too tight in the boobs? No problem, suck some soco out of your tits. Dress is too big in the boobs, fill 'em up with some 151 (you know, so you'll take your time sucking the shit out).
• Sporting Events. I don't attend a ton of these but when I do go, JESUS, it's highway robbery how much these people charge us for beer! A beer, people! Even at a Gwinnett Braves game, the crap is JUST OUT OF my reach. So, I just pack accordingly by filling my bra up with some Coors Light. Kind of like those awesome blue mountains, my nipples will tell you if its Ice Cold. And college footballs games clearly don't serve booze which is a crime in itself. Don't get me wrong, I like a sober football game as much as the next guy (or gal as the case may be) but why be sober when you can be drunk? Plus think of all the ass I'd pull.
• PTA Meetings. Why the hell would anyone want to subject themselves to this. Look, I know one day I'm going to think my little snot-nosed brat is the cutest damn thing in the world and I'll be so impressed she managed to, I don't know, walk up the stairs without tripping or go potty all by herself (and only after I bribe her with hairbows or something), but the idea of sitting in chairs that were uncomfortable when I was her age (and hiking uphill, both ways, in the snow, barefoot, in june, carrying my brother on my back...) does not sound appealing at all. Add in principals, who I'm fairly certain I'll dislike no matter my age, and I have a feeling I'll need a cosmo or two to get through it. "I'd like tooooo,belllllchhhhhhhhhh, make a motion to....ssslerve b-b-b-oooze at sfoootball gamessss..." All those in favor?
• My kids sporting events. I can picture it now, not only am I the parent totally into her kid's game but I'm also so hammered it's comical. Join me as I picture my future now: Teetering on oh-so impractical Jessica Simpson wedges, wearing a tank top (with my child's picture pin pinned to the front, of course!), some short shorts or maybe capris if it's chilly. Stumbling up and down the soccer field, yelling at my child to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE. Of course, I'd give up on that little diddy when I realized I couldn't spell aggressive due to the margaritas I have been sucking from my own tit. Did I mention, the left boob is deflated since I emptied it out?
• Job Interviews. God, when you are in the waiting room...so intense. The butterflies make you want to puke everywhere. Why not calm it all down and get your game face on by taking a nip of Jack D and coke before you head into that office and knock their socks off? In the process, your personality is IMPROVED and your knockers are looking nice. Hey, if it gets you hired, it gets you hired. And when you show up to work without big boobs, they can't say a word, can they? If they do...well, a sexual harrassment lawsuit will fatten that wallet nicely.
• Anywhere on Sunday so long as I live in the South. Seriously. EVERYWHERE. To the grocery store, to the park, to the gym...anywhere and everywhere so I'm never without booze.
• Anywhere sobriety is a requirement. I once went to a dry wedding. And tailgated. And brought in a bottle of orange juice spiked with vodka because "I'm diabetic and I don't want to go into shock, you know." This would make that much easier for me. Plus, men would be rooting for the girl with red wine spilling from her chest to catch the bouquet. I'd be the coolest guest ever.

*Look how happy the bitch in the picture looks. I want to be that happy!

**Clearly, I'm joking here people. It's not entirely acceptable to do any of these things so I'd probably refrain but in a perfect world...

Monday Musings

Today I would like to leave you with a list of things I'm so fucking tired of hearing about. In other words, the I don't give a shit list.

• Chick-fil-a's NEW spicy chicken sandwich. I know you all tried it FOR FREE. I don't want to see every fucking status on facebook about it. Imagine people who have no Chick-fil-a's. I bet they are sick of it too. It's a sandwich with hot sauce people. It's like christmas in June for the South. It should not take hours to pick up your sandwich because thousands are stopping in to try it. Traffic should not be stopped on my street for a chicken sandwich. Call me when you create a sandwich that tastes better than any other and helps me LOSE weight. Then I might be giddy.
• SEC Expansion? Will it or won't it happen? Look I'm a huge DAWGS fan and I want what's best for my conference but I don't want to read your take on who might go where. You live in the suburbs, you work a dead-end job, probably you dislike your children 40% of the time, and you never played football nor do you have any connections to any of said football programs other than the fact that you attend or watch every game. And even you so-called in-the-know guys and gals (I'm looking at you Tony Barnhart) don't know jack shit. So cut the speculation and let's just wait for the shit to be ironed out.
• Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber. Do I even need to go into detail on this one?
• Obama. Love him or hate him? I don't give a shit. Your ideas of what he shoulda/coulda/woulda don't mean jack diddly so stop tweeting them, blogging them and facebook statusing them.
• Your children. Oh good lord- I don't care if they pooped, raised their head, discovered a new planet at age 3. Your children are not entertaining in the slightest and to be honest you're immediate family is the only one who cares. Try creating a people who think my baby is cute google group and send out mass emails to those people.
• Weddings. I don't like attending them. I don't want to hear about the planning process unless I ask you directly. Even then, I'm just trying to be polite. And for those of you wondering, I will recap this weekend's festivities at some point.
• The World Cup. Be honest, you don't care either except you could maybe bet some money. You don't watch soccer on the reg so don't act like you do.
• Your stupid ass car decals announcing your initials. You know what you actually just announced to me? You just let me know you care more about how your car looks driving down the highway than actually how it drives down the highway. Also, you are a shitty driver. Let's just clear that up right now. You cut people off, drive too slow, think blinkers are a waste of time and generally just do anything but pay attention to the road or anyone who might have somewhere to fucking be. So thanks for the heads up there, cupcake. That goes double for you, stick figure family waving cheekily at me as I sit in traffic cursing my luck.
• BP and the Oil Spill. Okay, I get it. Animals and the ecosystem are at stake because those greedy bastards at British Petroleum made a decision that would (if all had gone as planned) save them millions. I know, it appears they don't give a shit. They only sent 7 men to start the cleanup in Florida! For christ's sake, it happened and now we need to deal with it. What I don't need to deal with is an obnoxious commentator telling me that Obama appears to not give a shit because it took him 40+ days to fly down there AND he showed up in dress slacks, a button down and tie. How insensitive of him. Rather than wasting my time and your breaths critiquing stupid shit, let's focus on getting this mess under control already. BP isn't getting the damn thing done so someone else step the fuck in and let them foot the bill. I don't mean to sound callous but seriously people, you are focusing on the wrong things.
• Ballers behaving badly. Don't hate the playa, hate the game. Fuck that. What is it with these people thinking they are entitled to behave any way they want and suffer no consequences? They do drugs, cheat on their spouses, assault girls (alledgedly), run dog fighting rings and beat the ever living shit out of people in public. They have absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves. And why is this? Because we let them get away with it. Listen shithead, you make millions of dollars to do something you love and excel at. Part of the job description requires that you keep your ass in line. So get with the fucking program already.

dear moms.

i have decided to write a little note to all those young moms out there and all those young moms to be. yes, this is going to be bitchy. i have decided i do not want children and lets be honest. i do not really want to hear about yours. so with that, here i go.

dear moms and future moms -

congrats on your bundle of joy… you have embarked on an awesome journey and i know you’re really excited. but parenthood is not for everyone and not everyone is as excited about sally sue as you are. i know you embraced facebook while in college boozing and you have made it part of your life, but it really is not the place to talk about everything baby all the time. So lets start while you’re expecting. Yay Baby! Post it on your status, get some congrats, drop it. We have ALL been through sex-ed. We have all seen tons of pregnant women. Your belly gets bigger and bigger. We do not need to see your WEEKLY progress, especially at week 2 when you cannot even tell there is an alien brewing in there. You’re excited, I get it. ….fast forward 9 months and bam you’re in labor. We do not need to see in labor facebook pictures followed by pictures of your little one covered in placenta and nasty shit. Share those memories with those in the room not with the world wide web. Fuck, I want NO ONE in the room as I push & scream if and when I accidentally get knocked up. Ok so you have gone home with your little baby. Aww how cute. *vomit* Now we do not care about if your baby is vomiting everywhere or has diarrhea or bumped his/her head on the coffee table or has a pesky cough that just will not go away or cannot sleep though the night. 9 times out of 10 you’re the only one in your circle of friends who has a kid because shit we’re 25 or 26 and still want to have a life. We cannot give you advice. Here is my advice…. google --- find a parenting forum or google your question. I promise there is some mom (or dad) out there that can answer your question or had the same question in the past. Better yet, call your mother. She has had a kid, she can give you all the advice in the world. Me with my bottle of wine?! I am not a helper. Oh and as you complain about how you have not slept in days or keep having to go to the doctor or wash dozens of bottles, I would like to remind you that you really wanted a little spawn so you spread your legs and hoped and prayed that the test showed two pink lines. Basically: you asked for it. So little Sally Sue is a year or so old and you want to have another kid… why would you poll the facebook audience on when would be the best time to bring another kid into the world?? We’re all still in the party and travel age, we like to spend Friday nights at happy hour on a patio with the rest of our babyless friends, we do not have kids so we do not know when the best time to have another one is. I have an idea – do not have anymore. I do not think I can handle hearing about Sally Sue’s fever as well as Billy Bob’s inability to stop sneezing. I really hope all you potential and current moms out there take all this to heart. Oh and lastly, Sally Sue is actually not that cute so please stop posting pictures of your ugly child on the internet... but my office does get a lot of laughs out of them. laugh of disgust.

With love, Barbie :o)

Just so you all know, I am not jealous of people with kids. I am 4 steps away from defriending this girl on facebook over “Haley” posts every fucking day. The only reason why I am not is because I do not feel like dealing with her when I see her back in VA at Christmas Eve service. But I want to look her in the face and say, “your child looks like an alien and I do not give a flying fuck about her ailments that you are probably being over dramatic about.” I would like to remind her that she was the biggest cry baby growing up and she was always getting “injured” and having to go to the doctor. She is passing the drama queen & hypochondriac gene onto her daughter and thinking about bringing another child into this world. God help us all.

Fun Friday + Giveaway!

Heyo! Welcome to another installment of Fun Friday. I have no clue what the last Fun Friday was about because I'm too lazy to look it up. So fuck it. It's my blog, I'll do what I want.

Do you SUCK?

Would you like to not SUCK?

Do you know other people who SUCK?

Would you like to tell them how to SUCK less or how to possibly become totally SUCK-free?

This edition of Fun Friday will reveal just how big of a dork I really am. See, part of the reason my life is in shambles, and only a very small part of the reason, is that I would rather be reading a book than doing just about anything involving productivity. I should really find a job that PAYS me to read. Because I will find a way to do it anyway. I thought that there is no better way to tie this into my blog than to review the books I like that I think you may like to. As an added bonus, you can enter to win the book and I'll ship it right over to you! Look at me, encouraging reading one jackass at a time.

This week's book comes to us courtesy of Dr. Dennis Leary. Yes, that Dennis Leary. I have adored this man ever since I saw part of a standup routine in which he said if his kids ever needed therapy he'd send their asses out to fucking mow the lawn. That is fucking therapy. Even if I don't always agree with his opinions, they are guaranteed to make me laugh and think. Plus, he's Irish for christ sake. How can I not love him?

Why We Suck is billed as " A feel good guide to staying fat, loud, lazy and stupid". In other words, right up my alley. Because I enjoy shambles, so why would I want to dig my life out of it? Apparently, he has written more than 15 books which is awesome and they will all be added to my ever growing reading list. With an acknowledgment like this one, you know the book is going to be stellar: "I'd like to thank everyone who ever told me to go fuck myself." The book includes a prologue titled "Why Everyone Hates Us" and I'll give you a couple of hints: Britney Spears, Anna Nicole Smith, You, Trump Vodka, and blow jobs. He moves onto expressing his thoughts on hitting children (its a do because they learn from it) to using children as a stepping stone in Hollywood (it's a don't) and includes a questionnaire on how the Kardashian gals will die (it involves drugs). The book is a satire on the workings of America- how much it sucks and how despite this glaringly obvious fact, how it is the world's greatest hope for success. If you don't win it here, pick it up at Borders for $16.00. The laughs are worth it. Now, how to win it: well, I'm looking for followers so you got to make it happen.

1. Tweet the link to this post along with @fromfat2fit
2. Link this blog to your blog and comment below telling me you've done so
3. Tell your friends to follow the blog publicly and then comment with who sent them over
4. Tell me your favorite post to date and why in the comment section.

You can do one or all four of the above- each thing counts as a separate entry. As does each new follower who cites you as the reason they stumbled upon this black hole of ridiculousness. New followers are automatically entered when they follow publicly. Contest ends April 18th at 5 pm EST. I'll announce the winner on Monday's Musings and you can hit me with your info so I can send you your new favorite book (or coaster, whatever).

Was going to do a playlist, but shit this is long. So, I'll leave you with this final thought- "Carry Out" is on repeat in my car. Someone tell JT it's time for him to stop dicking around with this acting shit long enough to put a new album out. Please and Thank you.