dear moms.

i have decided to write a little note to all those young moms out there and all those young moms to be. yes, this is going to be bitchy. i have decided i do not want children and lets be honest. i do not really want to hear about yours. so with that, here i go.

dear moms and future moms -

congrats on your bundle of joy… you have embarked on an awesome journey and i know you’re really excited. but parenthood is not for everyone and not everyone is as excited about sally sue as you are. i know you embraced facebook while in college boozing and you have made it part of your life, but it really is not the place to talk about everything baby all the time. So lets start while you’re expecting. Yay Baby! Post it on your status, get some congrats, drop it. We have ALL been through sex-ed. We have all seen tons of pregnant women. Your belly gets bigger and bigger. We do not need to see your WEEKLY progress, especially at week 2 when you cannot even tell there is an alien brewing in there. You’re excited, I get it. ….fast forward 9 months and bam you’re in labor. We do not need to see in labor facebook pictures followed by pictures of your little one covered in placenta and nasty shit. Share those memories with those in the room not with the world wide web. Fuck, I want NO ONE in the room as I push & scream if and when I accidentally get knocked up. Ok so you have gone home with your little baby. Aww how cute. *vomit* Now we do not care about if your baby is vomiting everywhere or has diarrhea or bumped his/her head on the coffee table or has a pesky cough that just will not go away or cannot sleep though the night. 9 times out of 10 you’re the only one in your circle of friends who has a kid because shit we’re 25 or 26 and still want to have a life. We cannot give you advice. Here is my advice…. google --- find a parenting forum or google your question. I promise there is some mom (or dad) out there that can answer your question or had the same question in the past. Better yet, call your mother. She has had a kid, she can give you all the advice in the world. Me with my bottle of wine?! I am not a helper. Oh and as you complain about how you have not slept in days or keep having to go to the doctor or wash dozens of bottles, I would like to remind you that you really wanted a little spawn so you spread your legs and hoped and prayed that the test showed two pink lines. Basically: you asked for it. So little Sally Sue is a year or so old and you want to have another kid… why would you poll the facebook audience on when would be the best time to bring another kid into the world?? We’re all still in the party and travel age, we like to spend Friday nights at happy hour on a patio with the rest of our babyless friends, we do not have kids so we do not know when the best time to have another one is. I have an idea – do not have anymore. I do not think I can handle hearing about Sally Sue’s fever as well as Billy Bob’s inability to stop sneezing. I really hope all you potential and current moms out there take all this to heart. Oh and lastly, Sally Sue is actually not that cute so please stop posting pictures of your ugly child on the internet... but my office does get a lot of laughs out of them. laugh of disgust.

With love, Barbie :o)

Just so you all know, I am not jealous of people with kids. I am 4 steps away from defriending this girl on facebook over “Haley” posts every fucking day. The only reason why I am not is because I do not feel like dealing with her when I see her back in VA at Christmas Eve service. But I want to look her in the face and say, “your child looks like an alien and I do not give a flying fuck about her ailments that you are probably being over dramatic about.” I would like to remind her that she was the biggest cry baby growing up and she was always getting “injured” and having to go to the doctor. She is passing the drama queen & hypochondriac gene onto her daughter and thinking about bringing another child into this world. God help us all.

Random Thoughts on a Thursday

• I cannot fathom what is so difficult about making a right turn at Weiuca in the morning. The light is green, it's more of a fork in the road, and traffic is moving. Why are you slowing down? Why are you stopping? Don't you see me screaming at you from behind. Have some respect for the people who have somewhere to be.
• When you are running late somewhere...here is a thought: CALL THE PERSON YOU ARE SCHEDULED TO MEET. Granted, there are times this cannot occur. But if you have an interview and you show up 45 minutes late, don't tell me you were on the bus. I don't care. I just waited 45 minutes to meet you and your opening line is, "I was on the bus."
• Go to Myspace. Look up marta bus. A video will pop up. Watch it.
• Yay my temp got offered a permanent job! You can visit him at the 12 Atlantic property. He is a concierge there and he is simply FABULOUS. No other word will describe him.
• Best text message ever: "Hey pretty girl, come hang out with me tomorrow night." From an attractive male. Made my day.
• Why is the whole world pairing off and getting married and popping out babies? Hey wait up! I'm over here being single still!
• So apparently the sales people at my company get to have cocktails in the afternoon. That is so not fair. I work hard and have to wait to have cocktails until the day is over. I might go on strike.
• Why do superiors feel like they need to cc everyone on an email telling you how to do your job? Is it really necessary? I hate when people make me look like an idiot. And on top of that...she talked down to me. I sent her an angry email and deleted it before I hit send.
• What the hell am I doing with my life?
• Are the rules in adult kickball different than kiddie versions? Cause I am playing tonight and I have no idea what to expect except for balls flying at me and varying speeds. What girl doesn't like that?
• Someone out there has the name TWO BEARS. I thought they were fucking with me via facebook but I googled the last name and some guy named Eric Two Bears has a linkedin page. So either this name exists or they are getting really deep into their joke and crossing networking sites. I continue to search and cannot locate any information on this last name. I swear they are american indian but maybe that is racist? or stereotyping? Shit, I am late for my lunch. I'll dissect and be back.
• Why do Chase/JP Morgan people have to wear blue everyday? There are several hundred of them in matching outfits descending on my building daily and they look like drones. Straight out of an Ayn Rand novel.
• www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com. Check it.
• I want to cut my hair. I want to look punk. I have a real job. I cannot look punk. I am now depressed and shifting into emo mode.
• I am disappointed in the kickball team names in my league. I hate our name as well. Moneyshot was so much better. I can think of so many inappropriate slogans. For example...Fucking your Face. Beautiful. So much imagery.
• I now understand why people play the lottery. But I still struggle to do it. Every time I go to buy the ticket, I think this could be laundry money.
• I keep forgetting I'm not a Victoria's Secret model. I try to order clothes that in no way would look attractive on me. Wishful thinking I suppose.
• I'm shopping. The website says "Shorts & Capris 9.99-29.50". I checked the whole section. The cheapest short was 14.99. This is incorrect advertising. Could I sue?
• $80.10 to VS. In clothing. Which gets you three items at clearance price. Ridic.
• I like when people get mad. It entertains me.
• Lots of attractive people have lunch at Phipps Plaza. I will now commence eating there once a week in order to meet hot men.
• I broke my necklace. I now think I look like a slob. That silver piece of shit really tied the whole outfit together and opped the professionalism.
• Kickball, kickball, kickball, kickball, kickball....
• Christ, it's only 2:39pm.
• BUNNIE BROWN. That is a true life name. A real candidate that applied to my job. True story- that is a stripper name. Work history includes- working for a staffing firm as a day laborer, working as an "administrator" and and office assignment. I can't help her. Mainly because I will be unable to behave in a professional manner towards her.
• My life is a mess.
• I REALLY NEED TO WORK. Are there any financial planners out there?
• So apparently minimum wage has bumped it up a notch from 6.55 to 7.25 an hour. Jesus- lets go buy some champagne. Let me break this down for you. Let's say I work a 40 hour week flipping burgers or cleaning johns or whatever. 6.55 x40=262 a week. Which is 1048 in a month. 1048-645 in rent= 403. 403-150 car payment= 253. 253-90 in car insurance= 163. 163-40 electric bill= 123. You have 123 left for the month in which to buy groceries and gas. Now...let's add the 70 cents the government has so generously stated companies must give their employees. 7.25x40=290. 290 x4= 1160 a month. 1160-645 rent= 515. 515-150 car payment= 365. 365-90 in car insurance= 275. 275-40 electric bill= 235. 235 left in which to buy groceries and gas for the ENTIRE month. That is a 112 dollar difference. I am greatly surprised. But still saddened. I could not live on minimum wage.
• Some woman just called in. I couldn't understand anything she said. I just kept saying NO until she hung up. Surprisingly this is a very effective manner to get someone to hang up the phone.
• I need to meet new people. Preferrably atrractive single MALE people. Who like slightly overweight low self esteem girls for more than a good time. Good luck with that.
• I want liposuction. And an icecream cone.
• Apparently WAKA kickball is hardcore. I just got bored reading the rules. Check them out at www.kickball.com and sign up if you dare.
• I really enjoy sexual innuendo. Makes me laugh like a 15 year old boy every time. For example :" I'll give you something to dunkaroo." In response to a request for snacks for our kickball game.
• I should really balance my checkbook and stop using my credit card before I max it out again. Things to think about...
• Listervs are truly my entertainment for the day.
• Why do I always try to work the last hour of the day? It's like I dick around all day and then try to cram 8 hours of work into the last hour. Wouldn't it make more sense to do a solid 2 hours of work when I get here and dick around the last 6?
• Wedding pictures are fun. Note to self- do not wear teal anymore. You can pick me out of a crowd no problem. Especially in the not so flattering pictures.
• 5:01 pm. I'm still at work. Why you ask? I have nowhere to go for another hour and half until kick ball. The internet and water are free so why not continue where I'm at? Also, I am lazy.
• I am chopping my hair tomorrow. So I might actually leave now and go rip a picture out of a magazine at Target. Why pay 4.99 when you only need one picture?