30 Day photo challenge- day 2

Apparently, I'm supposed to put a picture of the person I've been closest to longest. Considering our parents divorced and we spent a fair amount of time apartment hopping, my bro and I are pretty close out of necessity. Which is ironic because he's basically a version of my father who I am not very close to. I have issues. Anyway, Peter was so bummed when my rents marriage busted up that he refused to speak to anyone but me. And when he did speak, he spoke in a made up language no one could decipher. We made up new games using old board game pieces when we didn't have toys. We wore our ugly ass kmart outfits and shared a water bed when it was time to go to Dad's. We beat the ever living shit out of each other. I had scars up and down my arms from him pinching me with his nails as a kid. Now, I drive him crazy by showing up at work to try on the BOING shoes (Nike shoes. I bounce around the store yelling BO-OING). I call him just to chat when I'm lonely. I counsel him. I support him. Now I don't know what the hell he does for me (puts up with me?) but he's not bad for a bro.

This picture is from his 21st birthday. I was living in Jersey and he flew up to see me. Because he knew if anyone could give him a great birthday, it would be his party-loving older sister.

A Christmas Surprise

Hope everyone had a grand Christmas full of ass. Mine was sadly missing ass. However, someone in my family got laid so I guess it's okay!

On Thursday night, I was set to drive 45 minutes home to my parents and spend a few days hanging with my bro when I got the following BBM:

Hey is there any way you could wait until tomorrow to come over? I was gonna try and get some alone time with Ashley before she leave for Boston.

Interesting. So I responded:

Uhhhh haha do we need to have a talk about the birds and the bees?

He took the high road and ignored me.

I got home the next day and he was at work. After a few glasses of wine (yes, I drink alone), I got bored and decided to wander the house. I noticed as I walked past my brother's room, that his trash can was empty. He's lived back at home since July and I have never been to the house when it hasn't been overflowing with shit. Thirty minutes later, I thought to myself that his trash was probably in the can outside (pathetic, right) so I headed out and had a peek. There was one bag of trash but it was the kitchen trash. Smart kid that he is, he threw his trash in the kitchen trash and then threw it out.

Another 30 minutes and I discovered this in his room:

My little brother, the 24 year old virgin, HAS CONDOMS. The kind of condoms that indicate he was nervous about his performance. And the dumb fuck put them in the drawer of the nightstand in the guest room he sleeps in. He didn't even try to hide them! They were right there on top.

My brother is not a virgin anymore. I can't decide if I should be disgusted or proud!

Christmas Came Early

A big Merry Fake Christmas from me to you!

My family and I celebrated "fake" Christmas yesterday (though with real presents and a real tree) because my mom, step-dad and little sister are heading north to New Jersey for the holiday. My brother and I will be left behind to attempt to make our own holiday tradition. Lest you feel sorry for me, my family is heading north to have a last Christmas with my grandmother (a repeat of last Christmas as everyone was convinced this was it). It's going to be tense and awkward and fraught with gossiping family that does nothing but fight in an effort to pretend they aren't devastated about my grandmother. So, really, when you put it in that perspective, my brother and I are the winners here. And just so you don't thin

k I really am a hugely crass asshole (which I am but not for this reason), I have already flown up there three times this year to spend time with my grandmother.

Now that you all are very saddened by the turn of events....let me reveal my Christmas present. Not my favorite one. My....third favorite one:

I got a Garmin! Whooo!

You are probably wondering why this is not my favorite gift? Well my mom had a blanket made out of a bunch of UGA shirts (some were mine from college and others belonged to various members of my family who will now have to buy new shirts for next football season). My second favorite was a UGA watch my brother bought me. I know, I might have a problem.

Thankful Thursday

In honor of Turkey Day here are all the things I am thankful for.

• Clothing. Something has to cover the cellulite and stretch marks.
• Uggs. They may be ugly but damn if they aren't comfy.
• Wine. And wine glasses. And bottle openers for said wine.
• Beer. Kegs. Pint glasses. Power Hour. Pitchers.
• Football. Boys in tight pants playing with balls.
• Coolers. Keeping my booze cold. Great for bets. Also decent seating when in a crunch.
• People uglier than me. I know it's bitchy but don't even pretend like when someone less attractive than you is in the same room you don't secretly thank god for small favors.
• Liquor. Shot glasses.
• Bars. Somewhere everyone knows your name. Because you puked everywhere, took half your clothes off and went home with a rando.
• Hot boys. A girl can dream.
• Piedmont Park. I like to play with balls there.
• My blackberry. How the hell else would I get through the day? Who would entertain you with inappropriate or blatantly obvious tweets?
• Friends and Family. Because it's what everyone says. And someone out there probably listed me so this is really just to cover my bases.
• Mexican food. Feels so good going down...the next morning I may weigh 5 more lbs and feel like shit but damn last night was good.
• Other drunk people. This doesn't bear explaining.
• Sober people. For rides home, duh.
• Sweatpants. Ohhhh god I love sweatpants. There are even some guys who look sexy in them. Probably not any of my readers but don't fret, I don't look sexy in them either.
• Blogs like Barstool Sports, masshole sports, bulldog in exile, fired n fabulous,imboycrazy.com, Livit, Luvit and 8 billion other blogs I read every day (perhaps I should highlight one a week....hmmmm).
• The library. Every once in a while I need to get my dork on.
• The internet. dear Al Gore, thanks for helping me stalk people. Love Berryfine.
• My apartment. It's just me and my nudity whenever I hit the doorway. So delicious.

God, that's a lot of stupid, material shit to be thankful for. Your turn, what ridiculous shit are you thankful for that you're too embarrassed to say at the dinner table today? Don't worry, I won't judge.

You Know Your Life Is In Shambles When...

The other day I was dicking around on facebook and I wanted to see if my little sister had posted any new pictures of her and her new boyfriend (whom my brother has affectionately named Nick Dick due to the unfortunate fact that his parents named him Nicholas Richard). When I typed her name in, it brought up some grizzled old folk singer. So I got on my page and clicked on her name under siblings. It brought up a page telling me the page I was attempting to load no longer exists. The following transpired via text:

Me:Did you delete your facebook?
Her: No why?
Me: Well then did you block me? I can;t see your page. It says you do not exist. When I look at my friends in common with Peter, you aren't there anymore.
Me (after she hasn't answered): You're not listed as a friend I have in common with Hannah or Bo either.
Her: I didn't block you... I don't know why?
Me: That's so weird. It says your page doesn't exist! Haha I was going to write miss you and see you on Wed but nope!
Her: Sorry...idk what to tell you.

The following day I was working from my parents house because I had to drive Mom to the airport. My brother finally drags his ass out of bed at around 10:30 am and I ask him if he can see my sister's page. He looks at me strangely and says "Yeah" (but means duh). My mom asks me why I am asking him that so I show them what happens when I log in and try to look her up. Then I say I think she lied to me.

My mom proceeds to tell me that while we were texting my sister started cracking up and when my mom asked her what was so funny she told her I asked if she had blocked me. My mom asked her if she did and my sister just laughed.

Folks, my dipshit 15 year old sister, tried to block me thinking I wouldn't figure it out. I am the google and internet queen. If I don't know something, I'll find it out and she thinks that she could LIE to me and me not figure out?!?!?! What. The. Fuck.

You're probably wondering why she blocked me.

Her status one day: Nick :] :]
My comment on said status: Vomit.
# of likes to my comment: 4
# of responses to my comment on her status: 3

According to her, her friends are sick of me showing up in their newsfeed so she blocked me so it can't happen anymore. Homegirl, I comment on your page maybe 3 times a month. Vs. you and your silly crew liking every fucking thing (ie. so and so likes other people liking things, the color pink, when a guy winks at you and 75 other pages). I highly doubt my comment "vomit" appeared on any of their newsfeeds with shit like that plus picnik and random scams they click on because they aren't smart enough to notice they shouldn't be clicking on pages that take you outside of facebook and ask for a password despite being told that repeatedly.

So, your life is in shambles if your little sister blocks you because you embarrass her.

I have the BEST family

I know I've talked a lot about my Dad on here since I am running my Team Challenge in his honor but seriously, he's great. He is so supportive of everything I do and calls me out on my bullshit (frequently) and listens to my complaints about other family members( even more frequently which is ironic considering the title of this post). Anyway, I thought, real quick, I'd let you know why my family is so awesome to me.

• My mom is my best friend 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time I think we both question how on earth we are related. She tends to care about what other people think of our family and be very private whereas I am very open and honest about things people could care less about. But when it comes down to it, woman has my back. My boyfriend in college broke my heart; in 45 minutes she was in Athens cleaning up my apt, bringing me presents and taking me out to eat. I'm trying to find a job? She is telling everyone she knows how awesome I am and passing out my resume to people she doesn't know. I'm running a race and need to fundraise? She's texting my aunt and uncle to remind them to donate and then throwing her own $200 in the pot.
• My sister is a badass. Children of divorce, like myself, are often forced to grow up way to fast and take on a lot of responsibility. When my mom remarried and had Evan, it was like I got to relive my childhood. I credit her with making me a more fun person than I once was. And she is the first person to beg to go for a run with me or do workout videos (the yoga one was utterly ridiculous and would have been a youtube sensation had we thought to tape ourselves). She is a year round swimmer and just hardworking, dedicated and talented. On top of all that, she's genuinely one of the nicest people I know.
• My brother is a genius. No, really. He doesn't act like it sometimes (hello, 6 years in college) but he is. He's also broke but he still threw together $50 bucks to donate to my race. He also joined dailymile and gives me encouragement on my workouts.
• My dad's family is the most ridiculous family ever. I'd swear 1/2 the time they hate each other but you say one bad thing about one of them and you answer to all of them. They got together and collected $500 to donate in my dad's name so his company would match the donation for my run. On top of that, my Aunt Shelly and her family are coming to Boston with my dad to watch me cross the finish line which is the coolest feeling ever.
• The only family that I think could top my dad's would be my mom's. My grandparents are devout Irish-Catholics and had 11 kids(Cathy, Colleen, Thomas, Timothy, Kelly, Eileen, Sean, Patrick, Nora, Erin and Ryan). Factor in their spouses and children and then throw in the extended family and we could populate a small town. They are constantly in each other's business and giving their two cents. They personify the saying "It takes a village to raise a child". No joke. We all fall down a lot in life and someone is always there to rally around you. My aunt Nora and I have both been working to lose weight and I get periodic texts from her as encouragement. My uncle Ryan used to send me money and now listens to all my gripes and is helping me look for work. My cousins and I talk about once a week now that they are all getting older. It's an ever shifting dynamic that just amazes me.

What are your favorite things about your family? I think it's important sometimes to write it all down because we tend to forget how incredibly amazing our families are. Even when they are completely whacked out, they provide a lesson in life for us. Good or bad, they are the foundation that we build upon- where we go from there is up to us.

Versatility. I've got that in spades. In fact, I have so much versatility, I can't even figure out who I am. Which supposedly is a common afflicition in my generation and at 26 years old but I'm not going to lie, I feel like a loner in that respect. Anyway, Barbie of Barbie Runs graced me with this sweet Versatile Blogger Award that I've been watching the rest of you get. Finally, my turn! Whoo! Unfortunately, that means you've all gotten it by now so I am not sure who I can give it to. Way to make me feel like the last kid picked for the kickball team guys.

Apparently, you are supposed to learn seven random facts about me:

1. Pet Peeve #1: Abbrevs. Stupid. I absolutely hate people who totes speak in abbrevs. Especially people I know for a fact went to college. It's like basically you are just too lazy to speak in a grammatically correct and socially acceptable fashion. Abbrevs have lit become their own lang. So much so, that sometimes my friends use them and I haven't a clue what they are talking about. And seeing them spelled is hysterical. Ush does not equal usually people. Whatevs.

2. I'm from the Jersey Shore. I am not anything like those assholes you people watch on your reality television shows. Or the ones that appeared in The Sopranos. Or any other crap movie. I am from the same area as Bruce and Bon Jovi and I'm proud of it. But if I get asked some stupid question about where I am from or you make a smart ass comment to me I will get riled up. In fact, let me take care of it for you: I'm from Exit 98 Shore Points and yes I know the difference between a jersey girl and trash is that trash gets picked up. Yes, I have the Jersey Shore attitude. Do not mess with me.

3. I'm the oldest of three children. I'm the most competitive of the three in EVERYTHING I do. My brother(23) is the smartest of the three of us (though he's taking his time getting through undergrad). And my sister (14) has the beauty and talent. She's a competitive swimmer for Summit Swimming. Several colleges track her times and chat her up at meets. And she is the nicest, sweetest one of the three of us. I couldn't be prouder of her if she were my own kid. I really adore both of them and call them constantly to harrass them and hang out with them as much as I can. When I decided to move back to the ATL, they were my main reason.

4. Speaking of family, I have a large one. I wish I saw them more. Both sides of my family are devout Irish Carholics (my great uncle was a monsignor in the church). My mom has 10 brothers and sisters (who are all named Mary) and my dad has 6. I have like 30 cousins or something like that. My oldest cousin is 5 years older than me and my youngest cousin is 25 years younger than me. Which I think is pretty cool. Especially since the oldest cousin is expecting his first child! Most of them live in NJ but some of them live in California, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New Mexico and North Carolina. And don't even get me started on second and third cousins- cause I know most of them, too.

5. I went to college at UGA and love Athens (I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before). If I won the lottery, I would buy a house there. It's such a great town with a lot going for it. I graduated with a degree in Journalism and a second degree in Literature. I almost didn't get the second degree because I wrote a paper detailing why I shouldn't get the degree. I waited over a month for my degree to arrive in the mail and scared the crap out of my mom when I breathed a sigh of relief. I also am the only one who got an A in my capstone class entirely due to said paper. And yes, Soulja Boy's Crank That still gets me fired up- I know the dance and do it EVERYTIME it comes on. No shame.

6. I really want a job that requires travel because then maybe I could figure out where I want to live. I am getting the two year itch and contemplating trying out North Carolina next. Barbie is trying to get me to move to DC.

7. In high school, I played softball, ran track and managed the football team (aka water girl). I tried out for cheerleading but didn't make it. During this time, I weighed in at 95 lbs. By the time I graduated I was up to 105 and thought I was fat. Good Lord, high school girls really have a skewed vision of the world. I'm just starting to get back to my athletic roots and loving it. I really feel so much better about myself after a kickball or softball game!

And since I'm so generous, if you havent gotten this award yet (please let there be one of you), tell me so I can give it to you below :)

My First Visit From Aunt Flo

I grew up as the oldest of three with a sister who has the misfortune of being the youngest. I say misfortune because despite the awesome path my brother and I beat for her, she has to deal with having 4 parents when it comes to things like her chosen attire (“Get upstairs and put some clothes on” is my personal favorite thing to say to her when she comes down the stairs wearing shorts), her boyfriends (“We christened one Triangle Man and proceeded to sing that section of Particle Man by They Might Be Giants anytime his name was brought up) and her ever changing figure (her boobs just made an appearance. That has been fun). The problem for my sister is that I am a solid 11 ½ years older than her and my brother is a scant 2 years younger than me. So, the two of us combine powers to make her utterly miserable.

I bring this up because the youngest child (“the chosen one” as we like to call her) has recently come into womanhood with the start of her period. For some reason, to me, this is entertaining as hell. Maybe because she is 14 and I got mine when I was 11 so she seems old to be getting her period. And my mom is so damn proud of her for using a tampon already (I started using tampons at the age too! I just used pads for 3 years...jeez) Or maybe because she is stunning and talented and so damn nice this is one of the few things I can make fun of her for. But the poor kid got her period and is mortified. Imagine your father singing “W-O-M-A-N, you’re a WOMAN” as you come down the stairs that night. Her complaints made me think of when I got my period. Since it’s kind of funny, I thought I would share the story with the few readers who don’t know it yet.

I got my period in fifth grade. I was 5’6” and easily the second tallest kid in my new school behind my crush, Kurt. I woke up that morning and went downstairs to get some breakfast. While my pop tarts were toasting, I hit the bathroom (I had my routine down to a science at that point. I didn’t waste anytime getting my shit done). What should I see when I happened to glance down but red staining my new panties. Well…damn. And, yes, I really thought damn because I was a precocious kid who happened to be from Jersey. Cursing is the way of speech in my hometown. Anyway, I was a little unsure of what to do since I hadn’t thought my period would be coming anytime soon.

I stuffed some toilet paper in my panties and ran to the phone and called my mom at work. It’s not like I hadn’t had sex ed and didn’t know what was going on but I think I was panicked because it is totally different when it happens to you. My mom answered and the following occurred:

Me:“Hey mommy. There is blood in my underwear and I’m not sure why.”
Mom: “Hang up and don’t answer when I call back”

Turns out she wanted the phone to wake my step dad up. Which it did and she quickly summed up the situation. Not a minute later, he bellows my name from the top of the stairs. I meekly climb them, wondering what is going on. What happens next, well, I’m not sure who was more embarrassed me or him (probably me. At this point, he had taken me to the doctor for a yeast infection and taught me to shave so…he was well-versed). He pulls a pad out of the box and unwraps it as he explains what it is an how to use it. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Body awash in a blush so red I don’t even think there is a color to describe it, I yank the box out of his hand, turn and run into the upstairs bathroom and slam the door on his explanation.

The rest of the day, I must have gone to the bathroom 20 times before lunch. My teacher obviously noticed since I had to get a pass every time and pulled me aside while everyone went out for recess. She very gently asked me what was going on and I immediately burst into tears and sobbed the whole story not very delicately into her arms. I was terrified I would bleed through the pad so she let me go to the bathroom without asking the rest of the week. Thank God she made it just a tad easier on me because I know there were other times that I wasn’t so cautious and ended up in nurse Sally’s office calling my mom for a change of clothes right next to the kindergartner who pissed his pants!

So, do you guys have funny period stories? I can’t be alone in this! Do you still remember your first period as vividly as I do?