Thankful Thursday

In honor of Turkey Day here are all the things I am thankful for.

• Clothing. Something has to cover the cellulite and stretch marks.
• Uggs. They may be ugly but damn if they aren't comfy.
• Wine. And wine glasses. And bottle openers for said wine.
• Beer. Kegs. Pint glasses. Power Hour. Pitchers.
• Football. Boys in tight pants playing with balls.
• Coolers. Keeping my booze cold. Great for bets. Also decent seating when in a crunch.
• People uglier than me. I know it's bitchy but don't even pretend like when someone less attractive than you is in the same room you don't secretly thank god for small favors.
• Liquor. Shot glasses.
• Bars. Somewhere everyone knows your name. Because you puked everywhere, took half your clothes off and went home with a rando.
• Hot boys. A girl can dream.
• Piedmont Park. I like to play with balls there.
• My blackberry. How the hell else would I get through the day? Who would entertain you with inappropriate or blatantly obvious tweets?
• Friends and Family. Because it's what everyone says. And someone out there probably listed me so this is really just to cover my bases.
• Mexican food. Feels so good going down...the next morning I may weigh 5 more lbs and feel like shit but damn last night was good.
• Other drunk people. This doesn't bear explaining.
• Sober people. For rides home, duh.
• Sweatpants. Ohhhh god I love sweatpants. There are even some guys who look sexy in them. Probably not any of my readers but don't fret, I don't look sexy in them either.
• Blogs like Barstool Sports, masshole sports, bulldog in exile, fired n fabulous,imboycrazy.com, Livit, Luvit and 8 billion other blogs I read every day (perhaps I should highlight one a week....hmmmm).
• The library. Every once in a while I need to get my dork on.
• The internet. dear Al Gore, thanks for helping me stalk people. Love Berryfine.
• My apartment. It's just me and my nudity whenever I hit the doorway. So delicious.

God, that's a lot of stupid, material shit to be thankful for. Your turn, what ridiculous shit are you thankful for that you're too embarrassed to say at the dinner table today? Don't worry, I won't judge.

Twitter Tuesday

Bear with me, I'm scrolling through the ole UberTwitter on my Blackberry to find someone worthy. Meaning, no picture. Damn work blocking all the phone shit (with employees like me, I can't imagine why*). This week's selection for Twitter Tuesday (dear God, please have not let me have used him previously...) is @PottyMouthCon! He is a conservative but not a prude, enjoys cussing, considers himself a disgusting slimeball and his pee-pee tricked him. Oh, yeah, he blogs too. The only thing is, he spends a lot of time responding to tweeps so it's taking me a while to find good commentary without going back and forth between the two!

• Just got a busy signal. How quaint.
• @schnaklefarg Someone's not spraying fast enough**
• What in the name of holy sweet blue fuck is this happy horseshit?
• I fucking hate mosquitos. But I'll take a Brazilian skeeters over one fucking horsefly. Hate those fuckers.
• Based upon my observation of touron, er tourist, traffic, it must be illegal in Oregon to own any vehicle that is not a Subaru.
• RT @teh_Dede I could be wrong...but I thought deciding who was going to hell was God's job.// Yes, but I always like to make suggestions
• Dear Japan, sorry about that atom bomb thing, but you know what? You fuckers started it so suck it.
• The bladder of legend is now ready to be drained.
• I just wish these giant software vendors would admit up front that they hate their customers. At least then their websites would make sense.
• @Yo_Squirrely Which will work out nicely with my new slim Acai berry body and ginormous penis
• If all of your emails are marked with "High Importance" that means none of them are #cockpunch
• What in the sweet everlasting blue fuck is going on around this shithole? Just can't leave you fuckers to your own devices. Fuck! Ass!
• Drinking lamp is LIT, motherfuckers. It's Hump Day Eve. Good a reason as any to fire it up.

* In my defense, I usually blog from home but with the lack of internet at my present location...well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
** I like to imagine he means either piss or cum. Either way.

Twitter Tuesday

So, I had someone all picked out for you to add to your list of awesomeness that you follow on Twitter. Unfortunately for all of you, something far more twitter-relevant and entertaining has occurred having to do with me. So, my person will have to wait and you will have to wonder who it may have been.

For those of you who didn't read my Monday Musings (for shame!), I took a reprieve from Twitter yesterday after getting up at 4:50 am. I stayed up long enough to tweet Must. Get. Up and then promptly fell back alseep until 6:41 am. So I decided in order to be productive I would take 24 hours away from tweeting. I figured no one would notice. Well, someone did and that someone has got her panties in a WAD. No joke.

It began yesterday with this tweet:

@fromfat2fit2010 where the hell have you been today? I feel like I am on Erin withdrawals. Patio Please!!

And continued onto this very blog with the following comment:
I was wondering where you were on Twitter today. Worst idea ever. You missed so much. But I know secrets I am not allowed to shared. You better start catching up on what you meant. ...or are you pulling a Ward and detaching. Yes, I just used Ward as an adjective. Thanks for listening.
If you know me AT ALL, you know there is nothing I like better than annoying the shit out of people- except maybe boozing. It comes second nature to me since I'm a bitch from Jersey. I simply adore getting a rise out of people. I'm not going to lie, it is kind of empowering. And I loooove empowering. Therefore, her commentary just made me want to stay off twitter longer (besides NO ONE ELSE NOTICED I WAS MIA- what a crushing blow to the ego). Since I refused to get on Twitter, she decided it was time for desperate measures...aka BBM. Below is some of what has gone on throughout today via my blackberry:

9:34 AM-
Her: Why in the hell are you anti twitter this week? what gives?
Me: IDK... Yesterday I was just pissed that I got up early enough to tweet and then promptly went back to sleep instead of the gym. Today, it is just entertaining to do to you.
Her: Thanks. Way to stir the pot.
Me: lo siento

12:18 PM-
Her: I find your lack of twittering annoying.
Me: Why is that? You are the only one who has noticed and said anything.
Her: Because I know secrets that can only be revealed via twitter
Me: Haha, omg. I'm still checking the damn thing when the bb indicates someone said something to me. Jesus. And I'm confused as to why they can only be revealed via Twitter? That's just weird.
Her: Because I'm not allowed to break the news. And you only converse with the person via the internet.
Me: Is it @runwithward? If the news is I'm finally going to meet my internet trainer at the race this weekend then he could have easily told me this morning when he emailed me.
Her: Nope. Not @runwithward.
Me: Or if @johnraser is going to ask me on a date then direct message works.

1:01 PM-
Me: Seriously idk if I feel like getting on twitter. I'm way more productive without it.
Her: Truth
Me: And I still don't get why YOU want me to be on twitter for a secret YOU can't tell anyway. Am I to just twiddle my thumbs until someone else lets the secret slip? This whole thing makes no sense @bamabarbie06
Her: I am sworn to secrecy. Until I am told I can tell you I cannot say a word.
Me: Well then I will remain as I am. Tough shit for you bahahaha. Now I am just boycotting for spite.
Her: Boooo. I am gonna riot. I would blog about it but I have no bullet points.
Me: Haha poor you. Perhaps you should have a talk with mystery secret revealer about your dilemma.
Her: I have been
Me: No dice huh? That sucks dude. No one seems to have any sympathy for you. Boo!
Her: Oh that person is fretting too. They don't want to @you. They want you to find out via reading.
Me: Haha well that is stupid. If that person has a blog and said blog reveals secret via video then I can't watch it until I get out of the office because the video won't load here. If not then idk what the person who is fretting will do. I really hope it's not a guy cause fretting is not a verb you use for a guy.
Her: I feel like you're talking in code.
Me: Haha it's kind of fun.

1:34PM-
Her: I will pout all I want.
Me: I will continue to boycott Twitter then.
Her: I will boycott you.
Me: Yeah right. You are behaving like a child.
Her: Haha. Thanks for scolding me. I have been told to tell you "wtf" and that you "will be excited if you sign on"

So, at this point all I know is I will be "excited" and it is someone I converse with only on the internet. Which leads me to believe it is @johnraser, @udothedishes, @Astand49 or @runwithward because I'm fairly certain those are the only ones who would have anything so awesome that she would nag me like this. Plus we both converse with them via Twitter. I am absolutely enjoying the hell out of annoying her but what if by doing this I miss out on said awesome and exciting secret? What if I'm losing by being a bitch? Damn, well it was a nice 34 hour run anyway.

Monday Musings

• They should have separate highways for people who have no fucking clue how to drive. I know they have the basic mechanics down (though I see little evidence of it) enough to have garnered a license from someone but they have no practical skills to speak of. Apparently, and age is not the issue, no matter how much or little time they have spent behind the wheel they still have no clue how to navigate rush hour traffic. Or a clue that anyone else might NEED to be somewhere and not out for a leisurely Sunday afternoon drive on Monday morning at 7:15 am. It’s called rush hour as in people are in a fucking RUSH to be somewhere.
• Eating oatmeal makes me feel like a small child and I have no idea why. Did anyone else used to put a drop or two of milk in theirs?
• My iPod died. I feel like I just lost a friend. And like when driving I might murder someone between idiots on the road and fucking commercials on the radio.
• It is amazing how guilt kicks in when you are older. In college, I did not give two shits who I offended with my stupid ass behavior. Now, I’m sneaking out of houses before anyone wakes up in hopes that no one will remember what a drunk, slutty mess I was the night before. Shame on me.
• I got the newest Dave Matthews Band cd for Christmas. Due to the iPod dying, I listened to it for the first time yesterday when I was driving home from Athens and I really, really like it. Download these songs: Baby Blue, You & Me, and Shake Me Like A Monkey. Click on the song titles to go to youtube and watch live performances.
• I’m dehydrated so water would be the obvious beverage to solve this. However, I have no interest in water right now. So I’m drinking Diet Coke. Which will just further dehydrate me. Whatever.
• I need to get back to the To Do List way of life. It really keeps me on track. And I actually get shit done. Which is kind of a big deal when trying to pull your life out of the puddle of stagnant water in the ditch of your life.
• I hate that when I delete something from gmail it doesn’t delete from my blackberry. So annoying to have to delete it twice.
• I went to a punk rock concert with my friend Krista this weekend in Athens. It was held at a place I had never been called Caledonia Lounge which had PBR for $2 so I was happy to be there. The band we went to see was called Burns Like Fire and they brought the 80s in their attire. It was awesome. I recommend giving them a listen. I was disappointed the songs I liked were not on the CD I bought. Bummer.
• I’m thinking maybe I am not meant to work in an corporate environment. This does not bode well for paying off my debts.
• I wonder where my federal tax refund is? I filed that shit a month ago…
• My health insurance costs too much. Time to look into an individual plan…
• I’m staying off twitter today. I have no reason for doing so. I just realized it’s 10:27 am and I haven’t tweeted since 4:50 this morning when I said Must. Get. Out. Of. Bed and then promptly went back to sleep until 6:41am.
• It annoys me when I log in and no one has commented on my blog. Makes me feel like no one read it. Then I get a text, email or tweet about it and I’m all like “WTF?” If you comment on the blog then I can generate conversation. Instead, you send it to me personally and no one else gets to enjoy my response. Think before you fail to comment.
• Blogging from my blackberry looks to be a pain in the ass. Which means you people are missing some gems in terms of posts because I compose posts during the day in my head in order to get through my day.

Monday Musings

• I added a new blogger to the site. I don't know why since I only have two public readers and she is one of them. But one day when this site takes off, she'll be so grateful for the opportunity I provided her. Or not. But whatever.
• I'm reading Google Blogger for Dummies. Hopefully, this improves the quality of the site. But probably not.
• My friend Kyle got me a Table Topics gift for my birthday. Why am I bringing this up now? Well, he just gave it to me last night. Hellooooo, belated. But then, I have been pretty MIA with that group of friends lately. Anyway, it would be great for when I have people over but I’m thinking of drawing one card a week or whenever I feel like it and blogging the responses. Then you will REALLLLLYYYYY get to know how boring I am. Thoughts?
• Tim Tebow commercial. Thoughts? When it came on last night, everyone rushed to the table to grab more food because we thought it would be some commercial no one gave a shit about. Imagine our surprise when Saint Timmy tackled his mom. Had I not been wedged between the wall and the couch with no ability to move, I would have missed it. As it was, I had tuned out whatever his mom said. So her pro-life commercial turned into a pro-abortion commercial with that dive bomb. I mean why raise a kid if he’s just going to tackle you on television?
• I am feeling particularly blank today. Empty almost.
• Where the hell was Miller Lite last night? Am I the only one who noticed they had ZERO commercials? Or maybe I just missed them… Bud Light and Doritos single handedly funded the Super Bowl broadcast with their commercials. And they were the best.
• While we are on the subject of super bowl ads… there is a new e*trade baby in town and I do not like him. At all. ANNND godaddy.com needs to hire a new marketing/ad firm stat. Does anyone ever actually go to the site to see the girls? As my friend Alex put it last night, “Unless I’m seeing some nipple, it’s not worth my time.”
• When someone emails me that they just got back from church or are reading proverbs I want to immediately say something that will send me straight to hell. It’s like I’m trying to balance out their goodness with my evilness.
• This. I want to do this. Except to the industrial scanner in my office that thinks it’s funny to claim I have misfed the paper randomly and intermittently while I’m trying to send people their work. 500 pages of work should not take an hour to scan to email.
• Dear body, when I overindulge on the weekends you will be properly punished on Monday. As in, you can complain about how hungry you are all you want but I’m not putting anything in you. Except water. A banana. And oatmeal. And I will workout for 3 hours. You should really have a conversation with the alcoholic side of me and find out how to remedy this.
• I wish someone would buy me everything on the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia website. And the UGA Playbook which should be coming out this summer. I’d like to outfit my home.
• I lied. I just drank decaf coffee. Strangely, my hunger pangs are gone. New diet?
  With insurance companies, a doctor’s office may bill $21,000 worth of services. $12,000 of it ends up written off and the insurance company pays out $9,000. I don’t understand the math of that. Apparently, insurance companies only ALLOW you to bill so much per service and then has the right to say of that service how much they will pay. I work with insurance and I still don’t get it. No wonder obama wants to change it.
• I don't know why I think you would care about the above bullet. But I'm too lazy to delete it.
• Getting your shit together is an overwhelming task. I don’t even know where to start taking baby steps.
• Why does my blackberry think that curse words are just misspelled? They aren’t. I fucking like them and wish you would stop making me ignore the dashed lines below them. I know what the hell I’m writing and I’m okay with it. Damnit.
• I want chocolate.....in my mouth....NOW.

Monday Musings

Okay, so I need to get more serious on this whole BLOGGING thing. I mean I pay attention to two other blogs I write but this one is sorely lacking. Therefore, over the next week, I will be unveiling an actual format for this blog. We will start with today, a regular feature to be added to the blog- Monday Musings. Much like Random Thoughts On A (insert day here), Monday Musings will be whatever pops into my head or that I find on the internet that entertains me. However, now it will occur on the reg (your welcome Barbie). So, I bring you...Random Thoughts on a Monday aka Monday Musings:

• If you have to come to a complete stop so that someone in the other lane can get over, then you probably don't need to be letting them over. The point is for them to speed up or slow down according to traffic and then get over when they spot an opening. If everyone followed this rule, I believe we could shave 5 minutes off the morning commute. Something to think about. Also, it is not rude for me to yell at you or give you the finger when I finally get around your malingering ass. You stopped traffic, buddy, not me.
• Common courtesy, much like chivalry, appears to be dead. For example, this morning I walked past a woman in the hallway. I said, "Hello, how are you?" she responded with "Hi, I'm good." Well, that's nice. I didn't fucking ask you because I cared- I asked because it's common courtesy. And if I have to ask you, then you damn sure should be asking me. It's polite. Jeez.
• I'm contemplating a relocation. I hate Atlanta. There, I said it to the internet world. It's out there and I can't take it back. My uncle made a great pitch for Raleigh but I'm open to other cities as well so leave a pitch in the comment section and I'll take it under consideration.
• Hahahahaha, my boss just realized they have not been taking medical or dental out of my paycheck. Nothing she can do now that she closed out 2009. Ironically, for the two months I had free dental and health insurance I was not going to the doctor. So the joke is really on me, not just them.
• I just ordered a Blackberry Tour from Verizon Wireless. And I am stalking it through fedex. Literally, stalking it. How the fuck did it leave Memphis Tennessee last night at 6:44pm and it's not arrived at a GA fedex location yet? This is bullshit.
• Sometimes I say things via text that I probably should not say. Often times I am hammered when I do this. And I offend people. Or end friendships. In these instances, I have found that the best thing to do is to pretend you did not say it and then wait for them to approach you weeks later. They will say something asinine, you will say something asinine and the Earth will continue to revolve around the sun.
• My feet seem to get cold a lot recently. I have no idea if this means something but whatever. They are cold and I don't know what to do about it.
• Sign up for Groupon.com and get gift certificates cheap. Also halfoffdepot.com. Don't say I never gave you anything.
• If I don't get a sweet tax return VEGAS IS GOING TO SUCK. No really, that return is going straight into my Vegas envelope ala Bradley Coopers character in The Hangover. God, I wish I was a teacher with a field trip so I could collect money from the students.
• It is really obnoxious that my boss gets my emails.Sometimes they come to her first and then she asks me about them and I have no idea what the fuck she is talking about. It's creepy.
• I shouldn't laugh when my boss makes a mistake. After telling me it would be between us that she messed up my benefits, the minute I went upstairs to drop off mail she told her boss. Now I owe them $268 because she made a mistake. How bout we split it since you made the mistake?
• On behalf of my friend JLove I would like to bring a charity to your attention. If you are looking to divert some funds or build up some good karma, head over to http://www.thon.org/ and donate now. They work tirelessly to conquer childhood cancer and the group is student run which is pretty cool even if you aren't a student. Even Khloe Kardashian is out there promoting it. The money specifically heads to the Four Diamonds Fund at Penn State Children's Hospital.
• Sometimes you need to read about someone else's life spiraling out of control to realize yours is as well. I'm not admitting to anything but this book I'm currently reading has me thinking a lot about things that I thought were funny but can take a dangerous turn. I'm lucky I'm still here if this book is any indication. So I recommend to all of you From Binge to Blackout by Chris and Toren Volkmann. It's a mother-son combo that had to go through alcoholism together and is just a GREAT read. I think one should be given to ever Freshman in high school and their parents. Perhaps, summer reading? You can learn more by going to their website.
• I am currently wearing a Victoria's Secret Pink sleep shirt to the office. It is comfy and a pretty purple color and I don't care who knows it! Also, my company just blocked their website. Damnit, there went shopping for Valentine's Day.
• My boyfriend is back! Check out his latest hilarious video. Yes, I am kind of getting to the point of creepy now.
• Why do people talk on their cellphones in the bathroom? If you are looking for privacy to make your call the restroom is not the place. Privacy to take a shit? Public restroom is also not the place but at least you are doing what the restroom is meant for. Take your personal phone calls elsewhere please. Otherwise, I'm flushing the toilet a hundred times until you get the point.
• Rihanna has a song called "Breaking Dishes". Ironically, in it she says something about Fighting a Man (Imma fight a man, a man, a man...). So let me get this straight, Chris Brown beat the fuck out of her and stories come out that she probably was hitting him as well. Chris Brown looks like the dick and she looks like a victim? After hearing this song, I'm wondering if they were mutually violent toward each other. Don't get me wrong, Chris Brown is a dick and should be in trouble for violence toward anyone. But let's stop the Rihanna train for a minute and find out if she really deserves this halo we're giving her. She shouldn't be hitting him anymore than he should be hitting her. And now that the song played on my iPod, I'm wondering if she has some violent tendencies of her own... I'm going to get so much shit for writing this.
• Actor Rip Torn was arrested over the weekend. FOR ROBBING A FUCKING BANK. Okay, not entirely true. Actually, he just broke in with a loaded gun. But the funniest part is he was drunk and didn't even realize it was a bank. WTF?
• Apparently, you can only have so many tags for a blog. BUSCH LEAGUE, BLOGGER. I have hit the limit.
• Please see how hott Mr. Hamm looked on Saturday Night. SO HOT. Like the cover of a trashy romance novel.
• I'm sorry, I lied on that one. Not so hot. Damn you Sergio.
• If you don't watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia then you should start now. No joke. Nothing like a group of people who are so selfish they think they are helping the world when serving their own purposes. For example.