Conversations with my boyfriend...

So weird to say it- I have a boyfriend. And you're thinking to yourself, who the hell would admit to dating this crazy-ass chick. Let me tell you he is a nut job himself. Someone ought to commit him to an institution for even thinking he wants to date me. But he does, in fact, he insists. And I thought this text convo today perfectly conveys how this is going to work:

Me: OMG we cannot have sex.
Him: And why is this?
Me: Well now I know how to get an immediate response from you.
Me: I CANNOT be eskimo sister with that girl L.
Him: I'm sitting on the couch watching tv. And there is no such thing as Eskimo sisters just brothers plus if she slept with 70s throwback you would be anyway.
Me: 1. Fuck you. I'm working. 2. Yes, there is such a thing. Might have a different name but it exists. 3. She hasn't slept with the 70s throwback.
Him: But what if she did?
Me: That is a disgusting image. And I would have been there first so it isn't as bad.
Him: You're talking crazy talk right now.
Me: hahaha J brought it up. Cause we are eskimo sisters. Then we started running through the group and I had a panic attack.
Him: I'm going to yell at J.
Me: She's about to talk me out of BJs too.
Him: You should get back to work.

10 minutes later:
Me: Would you wear a mexican wrestling mask and speak spanish to me during sex if I asked you to?
Him: Sure.
Me: Hahahaah omg I am so out of control. J is not helping at all.
Him: I'm still down for it though.
Me: Hahaha idk if I could control my giggles but we should legit try.
Him: We're doing it.
Me: Omg I can't wait. You better prepare some sexy Spanish.
Him: Just the accent might be better. My spanish is more confused than sexy.

Yeah, I see why we're dating now.

Awkward Moment #1

So I am moving into a brand new condo. Yes. Again. I never stay in one place longer than two years and most of the time just one year. I lose a lot of money this way. But until I figure my life out, this is the plan. ANYWAY. Moving brought me the idea of sharing all the awkward moments I encounter in my life so here is Awkward Moment #1:

I stopped by my landlord's place to pick up the keys to the condo and she was standing there in a Reading Rainbow shirt (fuck yeah) and jeans. She was all happy and giggly and invited me in. Then apologized for watching Charmed. And then said she was slightly drunk. So I, uncomfortably I might add, said "Well your daughter isn't home so it's fine."

"Yeah, I guess you noticed my daughter and husband aren't here. We're going through a divorce. So when she isn't here I drink tequila and watch Charmed. They just started streaming it on Netflix you know. So I'm a little tipsy right now. I apologize. We've been separated since April. Is this too much information? It is isn't it. Anyway, I just found out tonight that my husband has a girlfriend. And yes, he is still my husband until the divorce goes through. So I asked him how long he's been dating her and he told me he didn't know. Then I pressed the issue and he was like end of april, early may. Whatever. He was totally dating her before we separated. And he tried the we're-getting-divorced-because-of-us-not-her line too. So now I just get drunk and watch Charmed every time I'm alone. It's kind of sad."

Yeah. That really just happened. How the hell am I supposed to respond? I'm like I just want to take my keys and unload my shit in my new condo. But of course, I feel bad so the following comes out of my mouth:

"It's cool. Takes a while but you'll move on. In the meantime, get drunk whenever you want. In fact, I guess if you're ever drinking alone and you want company you know where I live."

WHAT THE FUCK BERRYFINE?!?!?! What are you doing? Why are you inviting your landlord to binge drink with you? Why do I feel the need to be nice to her like this? Jesus.

People Want to Change Me?

Someone literally said this to me the other day and I cannot stop laughing at it. The scenario: We're rolling to the bars. Everyone is all dressed up (there are 5 chicks in an SUV). I'm in the backseat with a bitch I don't know and this girl A. I must have been telling a story and cursing up a storm because A turns to me and says the following:

"I'm going to cure you of your incessant need to say Fuck."

I literally laughed in this girl's face and responded with "Fat fucking chance."

I'm sorry but there is no way on God's green Earth that you are depriving me of my favorite word that covers so many things. You need to get over it or stop talking to me.

Shortly after, she admitted the only reason she found this necessary was because now she can't stop saying it. I'm a fucking role model, y'all.

Beer as a Recovery Drink

Those of you who know me well...or read this blog ever...know that I am OBSESSED with activities involving booze and sports/games. For instance, a few of my favorite things:

1. Tailgating football. Pro or College. With Booze.
2. Watching football. Pro or College. With Booze.
3. Beer Pong. Yes, it is a sport. In the pool or on land.
4. Sloshball. If you don't know what this is, google it. I don't have time to educate.
5. Beer leagues. Softball and kickball.
6. Shuffleboard. The awesome kind. Not that bullshit- you're old and shouldn't really be moving kind.
7. Running half marathons that involve booze. For instance- the Wine Country Half Marathon. My upcoming Vegas 13.1.
8. Races that involve booze. Like the Skirtchaser which comes with 2 drink tickets that you redeem at the finish line. And also lots of single people.
9. Shots and Ladders
10. Cornhole
11. Golf - driving range, putting, drunk driving the cart. Pretty standard stuff.

Look this list could go on. Hell I could make up fucking games if I wanted to. I love booze. And games. So imagine my delight when I flipped through ESPN the Mag and discovered someone else out there thinks athletes should love beer. Specifically to aid in the recovery.

Check out Alkoholfrie Erdinger. Or Erdinger Alkoholfrie. Whatever. By way of ESPN the Mag- Google- Newser. According to this company, beer is a terrific post-exercise recovery drink. Forget what the experts are saying, I love where this company's think tank is going. What a great fucking idea.

From AP:
Beer: It's not just for couch potatoes anymore. A Bavarian brewmeister is touting its non-alcoholic beer as the latest sport drink for athletes, handing it out at the finish line of sporting events and touting its regenerative benefits. Unlike Gatorade, Erdinger Alkoholfrei is served up with a frothy head, and it comes in one color—a golden hue.



The company touts the beverage as an isotonic, vitamin-rich, no-additive beverage with natural regenerative powers that help athletes recover from a workout. In other words, it's carbohydrate-loaded refreshment without the alcoholic buzz of beer or the jitters caused by some energy drinks. "It's a very healthy product," says the US manager for Erdinger. But note: Alkoholfrei still contains less than 0.5% alcohol, making it a no-no in some states for anyone under 21.

Look I don't really give a shit if this stuff works. I'm buying it. Or O'Douls. Which is cheaper? The fact of the matter is I really don't care that at $10 a 6 pack it is more expensive than a gatorade, a thing of chocolate milk and a water bottle combined. Can it quench my thirst? Yes. Do I like beer? Yes. Will I probably add a shot of liquor because I don't really know what the point of "nonalcoholic" beer is? Of course. Will you be healthier with your compression socks and gallons of water? Decidely so. But I will be drunker. And there for much more fun than you.

You think your life is in shambles...

So. As I was getting ready this morning I was watching GMA and heard a little news story about a brother, brother, sister crime trio that is on the run in the south east.  Something about one brother cut his ankle monitoring bracelet off and then they started firing shots at a cop who was trying to pull them over for speeding and then they robbed a bank in Georgia and now these 3 are totally MIA.  (You can read here for a more professional journalistic account.)

But as GMA was reporting on this, two things popped into my mind. 

1)  Evidently they think this crime spree started because one of the brothers just had to register as a sex offender for sending inappropriate text messages to an 11 year old.  And this brother has a baby on the way and he was worried that he would no longer be able to see his kid.  Well. Dumbass. Let me tell you a little something, if you were not going to be able to see your kid then... you're for sure not going to see him/her now because you're going to be in JAIL.
2) They do not know where these 3 siblings are, but they have texted their mother.  You see, I am not a detective, but I have watched a lot of detective shows and seen a lot of news stories about pinging cell phones off of cell phone towers.  Have you not thought about that?  I mean a billboard campaign over pinging cell phone towers?  I am lost.

But with that said.  I must work today but remember your life is totally not in shambles if you compare yourself to those 3.