Your Silence Speaks Volumes...

What is worse: An answer you didn't want to hear or no answer at all?

This is a question I am currently struggling with due to a recent reevaluation of the people in my life I call friends. Sometimes the people we do everything and anything for just don't treat us with the same respect. Many times we don't even notice it. Until it really matters and we end up hurt.

Last week I was excited for a friend's birthday. He mentioned he didn't have plans so I said let's go grab dinner, my treat. I left early to pick up his present which I had spent a week looking for and waited for him to let me know when he was ready. I never heard from him. Even after I text him.

I found out the next day he went out with a different group of friends and just "forgot" to let me know that. When I tried to discuss it with him, he wouldn't look at me. And suddenly, I realized just how ridiculous I had been. And I began to question my sanity and my choice of friends.

I sat down and composed a heart-felt email expressing how this had become a pattern and how hurt I was. It has now been over a week. No phone call, no text message, no email. No response.

Which really speaks volumes. Apparently the complete lack of response is the answer I was looking for. That adage of being careful what you wish for is true. I do not like this response. I wasted a year and a half being there for this person and he hurt me and does not even care.

HE DOES NOT CARE.

The hard part might be reconciling the person I thought he was with the person he obviously is: a self-centered jerk who can't be bothered with people's feelings or emotions. At what point did I overlook this? Was I so starved for friendship that I was willing to except the bare minimum of caring for me?

It's Saturday night. Normally I would be calling him to see what he is doing. Despite several offers to hang out with groups of people, I am sitting at home. Alone. And sad. I'm wondering if this may be something that I simply cannot get over. I flip between being really, really ANGRY and really, really SAD. Neither of which are emotions I am comfortable with. I'm also not comfortable with my inability to express just how this has affected me to anyone else. I simply cannot put into words how I am feeling.

Lost might be a start.

Want to know me?

10 things I wish I could say to different people: NO NAMES!
1. I can accept that you don't care for me the way I care for you. What I am over accepting is your complete inability to treat me the way even a friend would. I have been there for everything for you over the course of almost 2 years- far more than any of your friends have been. Yet, you drop me like a hot potato when one of them comes calling. Rather than spending time with someone who accepts you for what you are, you spend your time trying to impress people that frankly do not care. You consistently take advantage of me and use me not only for things personally but also for professional help. I may have once been able to accept this and take it but now I am unwilling to do so. Even as a friend you have failed me and I'm not sure I can ever forgive you for that. My only hope is that you one day realize your mistake and try to make amends. I don't know how that will turn out but if you feel even a quarter of the pain you have inflicted on me, then you will never behave this way again.
2. Our relationship will never be the same until you apologize for everything you have put me and the people around us through. You may have cleaned up your act but that does not make amends for what has happened. You can't just ignore it and your overtures fall upon deaf ears until you man up.
3. I miss you. For a time you got too needy and I think that is why we all let go of the friendship. But the fact is, you are beautiful, smart, talented and funny and I miss those qualities more than you will ever know.
4. Sometimes I wonder if you have a brain. Things like common sense seem to elude you. And talking to you is sometimes like talking to a small child. Sometimes you say what so many times in that way that you have that I literally want to punch you in the face.
5. You broke my heart. You also broke my passion for life and my belief that everything works out if you want it to. I allowed you to make me feel like less of a person and it has damaged every relationship in my life. I will never forgive you for any of that so stop trying to communicate with me.
6. I hate you. I hate that your life has gone on like you didn't do something obscene to me while my life has suffered.
7. I don't know where I would be without you. I know I don't come to you with a lot of the tough stuff but I come to you when I need it. Without you I would be technologically stuck in the stone age, would have no idea what is going on in the world, and would be a lot less well-rounded than I am now. You can be a dork and you can embarrass me but you are 100% my best friend and I love you like I love my own sister.
8. I wish you would hold him accountable for his actions. Instead, you blamed me for so many things and never made him realize how wrong he really was. I hate that you jump on my case for things but allow him to continue to treat people poorly. There is no excuse for it. Watching this happen has really ruined my ideals on a successful relationship.
9. Without you I would be 100 years older. Your laughter is contagious. Your passion is electrifying. I don't know where I would be without you. Thanks for making me take joy in the small things in life and bringing back my childhood.
10. You are way too smart to continue fucking up. Get your shit together already.

9 things about myself:
1. I just paid off all my credit cards. I immediately started charging on all of them again.
2. I hate my job.
3. I really love running but I lack motivation
4. I have only had one serious relationship in my life...it ended after he cheated on me and thought he got another girl pregnant. A few breakdowns and a paternity test later, it was not his baby. He was still a cheater.
5. I like to produce scenes in my head that match songs I am listening to. Complete with dialogue and direction for action.
6. I have insane road rage.
7. I'm a slob.
8. I wish I was skinnier but can't seem to eat healthy long enough to lose weight
9. I'm terrified I will die alone.

8 ways to win your heart:
1. Drive a truck
2. Meet my family. If they like you then you are golden
3. Have a good sense of humor
4. Passion for something
5. Take me places I have never been.
6. Cook for me
7. Cuddle with me when I need it, leave me alone when I need space
8. Listen. Have intelligent conversations with me and don't just assume you are always right.

7 things that cross your mind a lot:
1. Money
2. My dreams and hopes and goals
3. Winning the lottery
4. To nap, or not to nap?
5. My friends
6. The one
7. Movies and Music

6 things you do before you fall asleep, in order:
1. Change into pajamas...or not
2. Brush my teeth
3. Plug in my phone
4. Read a book
5. Listen to music
6. Turn off the lights ;)

5 things you say way too much:
1. Busch
2. Boom
3. “Thank you for calling TRC Staffing. This is Erin, how can I help you?"
4. Sweet
5. Also

4 things you're wearing right now:
1. Heels
2. Black Slacks
3. Matching bra and underwear set from VS
4. My nike running watch

3 songs you listen to often:
1. Love Your Love the Most- Eric Church
2. Use Somebody- Kings of Leon
3. You Can't Count on Me- Counting Crows

2 things you want to do before you die:
1. Publish a novel
2. Pub Crawl of Ireland

1 confession:
1. I am crazy and I terrify myself. I have also never let anyone see the real me- just parts