This...this right here...

might just demonstrate why my life is in shambles...

Thirsty Thursday aka Why Do I Drink?

1. I am going gray. See previous post for my feelings on this newest development.
2. I have 2 months to find a new job and a new place to live.
3. I am single. Per usual.
4. My ex is engaged. See reason # 3.
5. My life is in shambles.
6. I am broke (probably from drinking).
7. My friends live farther away than I would like.
8. Gas is expensive.
9. Shit, life is expensive.
10. I hate my job (probably get fired again for saying it again. Some lessons just can't be taught).
11. A little girl I babysat is getting married. What the hell is that? Shouldn't she still be in diapers or something?
12. I have issues. Lots of issues. Anxiety, abandonment, daddy...you name it, I've got it.
13. Life is an utter disappointment whether I try or not.
14. I like booze. No seriously, I like it. A LOT.
15. People are shitty drivers. This puts me in a bad mood.
16. No one has entered my dicktowel giveaway. I'll show you people. All current followers are now entered. Blaire I hope you win a dick towel and don't know what to do with it.
17. My neighbors suck. Except one of them has an entire liquor store in her apt.
18. I have bad luck with cars (that will be a whole nother post my friends).
19. The quarter life crisis neither begins nor ends at 25. Therefore, I'm currently residing in this state of my life.
20. I miss home.
21. I am overweight.
22. I have high blood pressure. Alcohol lowers blood pressure. Dr. Write me a prescription!
23. It's fun.
24. It's Thursday?
25. Telemarketers keep calling my apt looking for David and Jennifer Monter. Who, oddly enough, I actually know as David used to be my employee.
26. Miley Cyrus. Do I need to say anything more?
27. I haven't had sex in quite sometime. No that is not an invitation for one of you to offer your services. I'm just saying, its enough to drive you to drink. Because well, its depressing and because you might lower your standards and get laid.
28. I like bars. And patios. And college football games. And Yankees games. And concerts. And all of these things are more awesomer with booze. Seriously.
29. Because I want to.
30. Because this blog would be better if I were hammered.

Twitter Tuesday

Better late than never, right? So quit your bitchin' and check out today's Twitter Tuesday. But before I tell you who you should follow for realz, I believe you should add @janebot_vag_fc. It's a fan club for the vagina of @janebot who we all know I adore. Anyway, back to my hunt. I actually didn't have someone picked out this week so I've decided to type in the word Boom and see who I come up with. You should immediately add each of the following because I did:

FUCKKKKKKK...no one has tweeted boom recently. What the fuck is up with that? I love that word. Conveys a lot of emotion and I see it nowhere. So I'm going to tweet it now. And then pick another word. Like...booze. Zero. Beer. Zero. I find it hard to believe no one is tweeting my favorite b words. Fuck you and your search Twitter.

Phew, found someone awesome. And here we go. To match my angry mood, add @angryoldcoot to your tweeps. Why? Shotgun, rocking chair...anger...need I really say more? Yes, well, I'll let his tweets do the talking:

• Always play Soundgarden for your kindergarten age girls. This parenting tip brought to you by two days of Miley Cyrus.
• I'm getting a contact high from my kid's markers. This is dangerous. I will have to take them. To work with me.
• My Drunk Life Coach ran over my Spirit Animal with his Toyota while masterbating to Bacon Porn on his Double-Downed stained iPad.
• After being with me through college and grad school you'd think my ass would have a bigger vocabulary.
• In bizarro-world, if I were buying milk I'd say "extracting semen from my penis." Anyway, BRB. I'm "buying milk."
• I need to take a shower and do some thinking and maybe when I'm done I'll tell you why Daddy was wearing the balloon.
• I heard my first Justin Bieber song today. On NPR. It's like I locked myself in a safe room, then, BOOM: Freddy Krueger.

ANNNNDDDDD I love this guy even more for his use of the word BOOM! I wasn't even trying to find that on his page. If he didn't have kids and an insane love for bacon blow jobs, I'd be proposing to him on Twitter right now.