Conversations with my friends

I have a buddy back home in Jersey, we'll call him.... VM... and he likes to tease me. Mainly because after 70s Throwback and I self imploded he stumbled upon my drunken, crying mess of a self and had to spend an evening calming me down. I see him about twice a year (this year will be 4 times, a record) and we drink a couple of times and then text a few times between visits. Tonight, we were texting about a fb convo that occured earlier.

Me: I'm sorry my decision to remain single in Vegas disappoints yo. I'll look at doing it when I go for Cinco de Mayo.
VM: Well, you'll have to marry a Mexican, then.
Me: Ummm not my type. We can discuss when I come to town for Christmas.
VM: Well I'm guessing your type is somewhere between 70s Throwback and your now ex boyfriend. I'll keep an eye out.

My friends are such dicks. Just stick that knife in real hard and turn it while you're at it. Also, throw some salt on it:

Me: Haha asshole. I hate you.
VM: Haha. So when you coming home?
Me: Devember 26th to January 3rd. I hear you'll have a new roommate who is my type by then.
VM: Nice. Yeah, so I guess I'll be seeing you a lot then, huh?
Me: Haha idk about that. Rather presumptuous of you to assume so.
VM: So we're not hanging out?

Clearly, rereads the commentary because a few minutes later I get this:

VM: I wasn't assuming you and 70s throwback. What's on your mind....?
Me: Haha you just brought him up so I guess I thought you were going there.
VM: Hahahaha maybe I was.
Me: Jerk. Uncalled for. No more Jersey guys for me. We can still hang out though.
VM: You brought it on yourself.

Gosh, VM I had no clue my dating decisions were made by me and should automatically bring pain or discomfort upon myself. Asshole. I am aware I "brought it upon myself" as you so eloquently put it.

I then evened it out with the following exchange:

Me: How's your love life these days?
VM: I guess it is your turn to be a jerk, huh?
Me: Oh it's all fun and games to poke at me but when I out the spotlight on you it isn't funny anymore?

Don't fuck with me people. I will do everything to make you as uncomfortable as me. Misery loves company and all that bull shit.

Who is Chef Swagger?

Okay but seriously, how is Chef Swagger not bigger than Ramen? He should have commercials with the T-Pain microphone and then he'd be pimpin'. Not only that but this sells at Dollar Tree but not a regular grocery store? There is an untapped market they are missing out on.

And then I googled it.

Holy shit, they have a website. Pardon me, I'm busy.

Monday Musings

• It's been a while. For that I apologize.
• Larry Munson, voice of the DAWGS, passed away from complications with Pneumonia. It's a sad day in the bulldog nation. I'm going to spend the day listening to his playcalling. You can read his favorite calls here.
• Software testing is the PITS. Nothing works and it is a lot of fucking work that takes away from doing your actual job. I can't recruit if I'm over here trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with our applicant tracking system in time for the rollout.
• The other day in the middle of the day a guy showed up and knocked on my door. I answered it. He said he had the wrong address and walked away. I just got an email from my landlord that the guy was there to move my shit out because he had been given the wrong address and thought the condo was under foreclosure. She had to assure me that her payments on the condo are up to date and I am not going anywhere. Imagine if I hadn't been home. I'd have come home to nothing in my condo and thought I'd been robbed. That is a scary thought.
• I have so much to do before the holiday. Like unpacking from the weekend and repacking for 5 days. And cleaning my apartment in case someone comes to move me out so they think I am not a slob.
• What the fuck is with people updating their fb statuses to tell me what they are thankful for? Look I don't give a shit. 90% of it is stupid shit. 5% doesn't make sense to anyone but you and your besties. 5% of it is valid. Therefore, I now think you are a vain and shallow person with no clue about the world around you. If that is what you are going for then CONGRATS! GREAT SUCCESS!
• This weekend I took my mom to the UGA football game. We played Kentucky and clinched the SEC East. Awesome right?  Except in the span of 5 minutes, I broke my new iPhone and she lost her new iPhone. Like mother, like daughter, eh? No one should be surprised by me but everyone will be shocked by my mom. That is the last time I take her to a college football game.
• I really wonder what some people do all damn day that they can send me 800+ emails when I have already said I will get the information to them when I get a chance. CHILL THE FUCK OUT MY DAMN OUT OF OFFICE IS ON.
• The only way for me to lose weight is to constantly eat the same damn thing. Every day. I am so bored. Then I flip out from boredom, go to Arbys and order the entire menu and weigh 10 lbs more than I did when I started. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
• Apparently the entire damn company is on vacation this week. Makes my job a little more difficult.
• Dear everyone, I think I am done with weddings after next year. DONE.
• Why the fuck am I watching Knight and Day? I cannot stand Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz is alternately the most annoying fucking actress ever and a slightly tolerable one.
• Why do people try to schedule conference calls for the very next day? I don't know about them but I have a damn job and I'm doing it. Why are people so surprised when I'm unable to speak due to my schedule?

Conversations with my friends

A: Game of choices: choose one to marry, one to fuck, and one to kill... Tebow, Spurrier, and Muschamp.

Me: Fuck Tebow. Marry Muschamp. Kill Spurrier.

A: Ha! I love it! We were playing the game and I figured you would have insight.

Me: Ha well I want to take Tebow's virginity (doggie style of course),Muschamp went to UGA so I can train him to bend to my will and Spurrier is just a douche.

I'm Naked in Front of You... Why Aren't You Trying to Have Sex With Me?

I'm confused. I thought, if a naked girl is in front of a guy that he would immediately try to have sex with her. Right? Isn't that what you dickheads have been telling me? Isn't that why "oh her mouth just happened to swallow my dick when she tripped walking toward me and I didn't know my fly was open" is a valid excuse in their opinion? Isn't that why they hook up with ugly chicks? Because they like sex and naked women get them going right?

Well then this particular incident is bothering me. A lot.

Okay, first, I know I'm no spring chicken. There are lots of skinny hotter chicks than me in the world. But in my humble opinion, my own boyfriend should be trying to sex me up when I'm naked in front of him.

Anyway, on his last visit, I came home from the gym and took a shower.

First, why didn't he try to have shower sex? Apparently, Sports Center held his attention and it didn't occur to him. Your girlfriend is naked, soaping up and it isn't on your mind?!?!

Second, I came out of the shower and was standing in my robe in my closet contemplating what to wear. Do you know how easy a robe is to take off? I just took half the effort out of sex and still nothing. He is standing behind me watching me get ready. Seriously, at least comment on the fact I'm naked under here.

So of course, I whip around thus flashing everything and say something about sex and he tells me he's hungry so I need to get ready so we can eat and then have sex.

NO, NO, NO.

I should not have to put this much effort into this, am I right? I mean I clearly want sex if I'm parading around in a silk robe taking my sweet ass time getting dressed so you'll notice I'M NAKED under here.

And when I asked him about it he said I should have just grabbed his dick. Then he would have known I wanted to have sex.

Is this for serious? Is there something wrong with me?

This means I want Sex. FYI.

I'm Probably Going to Regret This...

But probably not. Because I'm a sharer and I think other people will find this amusing. Except for the ones who don't. Which frankly, if you don't you should not be reading my blog if we're all being honest here.

Today, something surprising happened. Today, I was called rude and tasteless.

But Life in Shambles, how could this surprise you? Well, it wasn't so much that I was called these two things but rather that it got me thinking about the situation that brought it on. Half of me hopes the person who said it, is reading this and the other half hopes she doesn't because I really don't want to hear anything else from her and this will certainly blow up in my face. But, well... Here is why her comment surprised me:

1. This comment was prompted by one of my tweets. So she follows me on twitter. But clearly not often because she thinks that calling me rude and tasteless would be offensive to me. Like I would suddenly not be so because she said I was. Clearly she is unaware that most of my tweets are rude (a sampling includes the following: "I already need a drink. Today is filled with fucking stupid people." "Oh I want to kill one of my coworkers right now. You are AT THE STARBUCKS so WHY CAN'T YOU GIVE ME THE ADDRESS FOR THE CANDIDATE?" "I wouldn't be mean to people if they didn't make it so damn easy." "What the fuck? Too fat to be slutty." Just a few of my recent bitchy tweets). I don't really know why she felt the need to point it out when my profile clearly states I'm a mess sent here to make you feel better about your life (or worse if you're the idiot I'm making fun of).

2. She thought the tweet was about her. A girl I have never met thought I was tweeting about her. The tweet  was rude and tasteless in her opinion about her. It had to have hit home somewhere for her to assume it was about her. I also think it is pretty conceited to assume that I'm tweeting about you simply because we're conversing via email about something. Trust me, I have other shit going on in my world and there are plenty of other people who annoy me or disagree with me or just make my life plain miserable. And even if I was tweeting about her, can she honestly say she has never tweeted about someone else? I can't answer that because her tweets are protected and I'd have to request to follow her which frankly I don't care to do. But everyone tweets about someone who makes them mad at some point. And I would imagine it is often none to flattering.
In summary, yes I am rude and, I suppose, tasteless. But at least I own up to it.

And to end this on a fun note...

Seen On Facebook

"It's crazy when it comes to making big decisions in life that u are usually forced to figure out the pros and cons yourself."

Are you fucking kidding me? Dude, where the fuck were you when the rest of us joined the real world and got rid of our Pullups and tricycles?

Are you waiting on someone to hold your hand and make these decisions for you? Life isn't a paint by numbers, boyo.

And don't even get me started on not bothering to spell out the word you. Those two extra letters were really too much for you, huh?

I cannot believe I dated this douchebag.

I want to do this

What I need:
1. A Partner in Crime
2. Shot glasses. Lots of them. I have over a dozen but you probs need your own.
3. Cardboard
4. Markers
5. Booze

Who's with me?

Conversations with my Personal Trainer

My personal trainer is the shit. In two months I went from 189 to 164. And I'm holding steady now mainly because I hurt my ankle which has made running impossible. Yesterday, my trainer and I met at Retro Fitness for a 30 minute session.

Trainer: So what have you eaten today.
Me: Candy.
Trainer: What?
Me: Candy. Are you deaf?
Trainer: How much?
Me: One Reese's Peanut Butter cup and a box of nerds.
Trainer: A whole box of nerds?
Me: A mini box. For Halloween. You know none of those bastard children came by my place so now I have tons of candy. Good shit too. None of that crap old peopel try to pass off as candy worth a shit.
Trainer: That's all you've eaten today?
Me: Eggs. And a sandwich. It was delicious. And by delicious I mean boring.
Trainer: No mayo.
Me: No mayo.
Trainer: Good. No more candy.
Me: It cost 10 bucks. So either the Mexicans down the street need to come trick or treating or you need to give me $10 not to eat it.
Trainer: I will not fall for this trick.

I promptly went home and had two boxes of nerds, sweet tarts and some kit kats. Fuck my trainer. I'm getting my money's worth.

STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!

Couple of things:
1. The Stop sign knows what is up.
2. She could fit a lot more than a cell phone in there.
3. She is unaware that the veil she is wearing is see through. "Oh no one will see me if I answer this text real quick!"
4. Who the fuck is texting her that is important enough for her to be responding? Shouldn't they BE AT THE WEDDING IF THEY MATTER THAT MUCH?!?!
5. The lack of balls on this guy is appalling. I hope he uses this video in the divorce proceedings.

Vagina Vagina Vagina

The sign to the left. Kirk is just too easy of a target.