Morning After Messages

"It may have been my decision last night to do the Irish Whiskey shots, but I think it was your decision originally that started the Irish Whiskey history. I was somewhat coherent until that shot happened. After that shot happened things get quite hazy. You are blamed for me being drunk last night and not Athens and an all day tailgate fest. I hope your night turned out well!"

~Hot guy I had a glass with in college who bumped into me downtown Saturday.

* And like a true life in shambles, I have a picture of how this tradition started and I cannot fucking locate it. Anywhere.

What is Missing?

It has occured to me that this website is missing something. A couple of somethings:

1. Drunk blogging

2. Recaps

3. Pictures

Not sure I can remedy any of those but since I'm fucking sitting here stone-cold sober BY MYSELF on Thanksgiving after ingesting the Ruby Tuesday's fucking salad bar, I guess I could at least muster some damn pictures. So....here goes:

Nothing says I can't cook but fuck it, I like to booze like a fridge filled with a gallon of milk, two dozen eggs, some dips for chips, a sprite and over 3 dozen jello shots. Welcome to day 2 of my 22nd birthday.

If you want to bang a girl and make her feel like she drank you under a table when really you led her along like the pied piper into a naked blackout, I'm a whore state then head to Buddha Bar in Athens, GA and give her some sake bombs. When she stops trying to even get the shot glasses on the chopsticks, it's time to take her home. Not that this ever happened to me. I did, however, do this to a guy. Or two. Okay, three. That's my final answer.

Apparently, these guys are in a frat. What tipped you off? Maybe the fact that one brother is about to drink from another brother's crotch? Maybe? Tehehe, dick jokes are funny.

Welcome to a typical Shambles night. This was back in 2006. That is my collection of shot glasses and my chaser "fat bud". And no I do not pull that Coyote Ugly bullshit spit it in the beer bottle crap. I take my shots and I like them. Also, I am slightly artistic when I want to be.

Okay, bitches, I'm bored of this currently. I think 4 pictures into my past is enough. However, this is something I will start doing on the reg. Send me your funny shots and I'll post those too. Anonymously or otherwise.

Monday Musings: Bachelorette Party Edition

• Can't bake but need something sweet for your festivities? Make a Donut Dick! Cream filled with brown sprinkles for the balls and creamfilled for the tip :)
• I love pasta salad. Making pasta salad with dick shaped pasta is the coolest thing ever.
• I hate the silly games you have to play at showers. Unless it involves being a kid again and playing with Play Dough. Each girl gets a different color. They have one minute to construct a dick with the play dough behind their backs. It's pretty entertaining.
• Pin the Junk on the Hunk. A must have for any bachelorette party. Mine is the huge one going straight for his mouth. I'm so funny...even blindfolded!
• Why the HELL do the over the top Christians sit out in the rain on a Saturday night yelling how we are all horrible people? You aren't making me want to convert to your way of thinking by insulting me there buddy. Especially when I'm drunk. In fact, you may be proof that God really isn't paying attention when he makes us. Also, do I come into your place of worship and force my beliefs (sex and booze) down your throats mid prayer? Oh, no? Well, then how bout you stay the fuck away from my good time. There is a time and a place to discuss our beliefs and on the corner of Lumpkin and Clayton is not it, buddy.
• I've still got it! I may have graduated 4 years ago but I'm still in the know in Athens, GA. We hit up a bar and I happened to know someone who worked there but wasn't there that night. Shot him a text and he text me back that he was in Chicago but had me run down and say hello to a different bartender. Who proceeded to dish out 15 shots and drinks before telling me, it's on the first guy's tab. Let the booing begin!
• Dick Shot glass? Check. Dick Straw? Check. Using both in combination? Just plain weird.
• I am only invited to bachelorette parties because I make lewd comments. I swear I bring the party to the level required. I should look into being a professional bachelorette party attendee.
• Gumby's closed?!??! I want my pokey sticks damnit.
• If you are throwing your bachelorette or bachelor party in Athens, go for the Gameday Condos. It is where it's at.
• Penis guns are always a fun time. I enjoy pissing people off so maybe that's why I get a kick out of squirting them with water from across the room. More fun was filling them with liquor and then watching everyone suck on it. HAHAHHA.
• Still have yet to go to a bachelorette party involving strippers. Boooo.
• Fun game: Have a list of words involving the groom and tell the bride she can't say them. Every time she does, give her a shitty shot.

Monday Musings

• American Family Insurance has a new billboard that reads “Family Doesn’t Let You Down.” Is that some kind of joke? Because in my world family might be there most of the time but there is always that one time that it really counted and you never forget that they let you down. I mean, take the Spelling Family. I’m pretty sure Aaron feels a little let down that is spoiled brat children suck hard core and his wife is a complete witch. Even from up above. And the Lohan’s. I mean they all have screws loose and I’m pretty sure we can safely say Dina and Michael “let their kids down” in the grand scheme of things. So, stupid slogan.
• Process: before scanning work to employees, bold the assignments on the spreadsheet so they know the assignment has arrived and will be coming to them shortly. Question from the boss who put this process in place: “I notice the assignments for 5/6 are bolded- does this mean you scanned them to the employees? I just changed them.” Is this some kind of joke? Did I miss something? Am I being punked? Oh, no, my boss is just utterly ridiculous.
• I really want a cinnamon bun right now. I’m struggling not to do it but damnit I’m tired, hungry and sore from a 9 mile run on Saturday.
• Last week something went wrong EVERY day. Looking like this week will be the same. Fucking spectacular.
• My brother gave me the greatest gift of all last night: Quarters. Now, I can do my laundry. Whooo!
• I gave in and ingested 440 calories of bread and sugar and absolute awesomeness. Guess I need to do a second workout tonight while the laundry is going.
• Just contacted to potential employers in Atlanta who reached out to me after coming across my resume. I don’t really want to stay here but it would be easier than relocating.
• The guy here to fix the scanner is Asian. No fucking clue what he is saying. I just keep nodding my head. Good news is he can’t seem to understand a damn thing I’m saying either!
• Someone messaged me yesterday and said they were in Athens and heard my name thrown around a lot. I don’t know what this means. Yes, my drunken antics are fairly well known in my college town but I graduated 4 years a go Friday. And I have no idea who this guy was hanging out with in Athens to even take a stab at what was said. Of course, the message ends with details to follow. It has now been 17 hours and no details have emerged. It’s driving me nuts.
• I literally almost just fell in the toilet trying to flush it with my foot. Can you imagine walking back into my office and explaining that one?
• I’m so tired my eyeballs hurt. Glasses will need to be put on the minute I get home from the office.
• Said friend is now messaging me about my drunk stories in Athens since he didn’t know me in college. Good lord, I can’t remember the shit I did!
• The sweater I am wearing right now cost $4.98 at Target. But not my Target. In my Target, the clearance section never has anything less than $11.98 because in my mind Clearance is less than $10. PLUS, it’s Target. When the fuck did it become acceptable for this store to have anything that costs more than $25? Why are shoes priced at $21.99 considered sales there? At this point, they are no longer competing with Walmart and they are breaking my little piggy bank into shards of unhappiness. Go back to cheap shit damnit!
• I’m so lazy that when I say No Big Deal I just drop the Deal section of it. It’s implied like when you read the newspaper and they do [this]. Plus No Big sounds cool. That’s right peeps, I abbrev statements not words. Okay, some words. So that was a lie.
• I can’t wait to get paid so I can send @centripetal his damn book.
• I love email flirting. I love flirting with guys. Even taken guys. Sue me.

Booze does a body good...

Weight: 162.2
Workout: Walking 30 minutes
Food Diary:
Breakfast: Egg and Cheese on a bagel, hashbrowns
Snack: Crackers with cheese and pepperoni
Lunch: Chips and salsa and cheese dip with Empanadas and a salad from On the Border
Desert: Skinny Cow dipper

So apparently the obscene amount of drinking I did in Athens somehow allowed me to lose about a lb. I am not sure how this works except that the lesson I learned was the more I drink the less I weigh. Which I'm pretty sure is not correct, nor is it the lesson I should have taken away from this. Though now that I think about it, the skinniest I was in college was senior year when I drank 7 nights a week. Perhaps my initial thought was true: I cannot survive without booze. I think this makes me an alcoholic. Or pre-alcoholic. Is that possible? Is alcoholism a disease you develop or are you born with it? Is this a nature vs. nurture argument? This weight loss blog just got way to deep for me ( I desperately wanted to write "weigh too deep" but thought that was a pathetic attempt at injecting humor into a thus far humorless blog.) Also, I noticed that the day after I booze all I want is junk thus leading me to believe that in order for this to work, I would need to be drunk 24/7 so as not to eat every fast food joint in town.

Changing my attitude...

Weight: 163.4
Workout: Weight Circuit- 3x15, bike for 30 minutes
Food Diary:
Breakfast: Bagel with light cream cheese
Snack: Cheese cubes
Lunch: Taylor ham with egg and peperjack cheese sandwich
Dinner: Left over Hamburger Helper
Desert: Massive quanties of Athens finest booze

I refuse to be upset about the fact that I drank WAYYY more than I should have last night while in Athens. Half of being healthy is your outlook and I deserved a good time with a friend I rarely get to see. It's not all about denying yourself pleasures and so mentally I needed a night of fun in my favorite college town. Will I be doing it again in the near future? Most certainly with the football season upcoming. However, hopefully, I will be more cautious in what and how much I am drinking. But the best thing I can do right now is accept my night and move on. Dwelling is sure to add on the pounds!

For future reference: Calorie Counts!
Bud Light: 110 calories per 12 fl oz
Miller Lite: 96 calories per 12 fl oz
Coors Light: 102 calories per 12 fl oz
Michelob Ultra: 73 calories per one bottle (which I'm guessing is smaller than the others. Bastards!)
Blue Moon: 171 calories per fl oz (I will not be ordering this again!)
Miller High Life: 143 calories per fl oz (whoa champagne of beers...another to steer clear of!)
Reisling: 270 calories per 6 fl oz (figures since its my favorite wine!)
Champagne: 163 calories per 6.5 fl oz (be careful during wedding season!)
Bloody Mary: 123 calories per 6 fl oz
Rum & Coke: 133 calories per 6 fl oz (explains that freshman 15, eh?)
LIT: 275 calories per 6 fl oz (ouch....)

All empty calories that tend to make me binge eat everything in sight. But soooo much fun. It really is about a balance that I'm not sure I will ever find!