Monday Musings

• Apparently, even after parsing through my clothes 8 billion times I still have too many clothes. So here I am again, on a Monday night, cleaning out my clothes again. Seriously, bitch, you're never gonna be that skinny again so chuck the fucking skank clothes already. One of these days that will work. Today is not that day.
• Why don't I wear sweat pants more often? Seriously, it's the most comfortable shit out there and yet I never wear them. I miss living in Jersey where it was perfectly acceptable to go to the bar in sweats at least once a week.
• Why is it no matter how hard I try, my fucking room is a disaster. My apartment is a metaphor for my life. A MESS. And the more I try to get my act together, the messier the apartment gets. It's like all the effort I put into growing up sucks the energy right out of me. By the time the work day ends, it's over.
• This visualize success thing is crap. If it did ANYTHING, I would be famous, successful, married and HAPPY. As it is, no one knows me, I'm not successful, I'm single and I'm only seemingly happy until the booze wears off. But it is definitely not for lack of trying as I spend a majority of my life envisioning something completely different than my reality. Starting with being skinny. And toned. And not sitting at a desk filing paperwork all damn day.
• For those of you unaware, I have two tattoos. One is in my pants and the other in my shoe. One my mom knows about, the other she does not. One I love and the other I regret whenever I want to wear my suit skirt or have to try to figure out how I'm hiding it from my mom when I go over the her house. What a stupid idea. And a drunken one at that.
• I need to make another change. But I'm not sure what. My hair? My weight (fat chance)? My job (a month in and I'm already contemplating)? My friends? My charity work? My locale? All things I have been thinking about recently. Things that need adjusting. Whew I'm exhausted just listing them.
• I think I need to make a 2011 bucket list. Not sure what will go in said bucket but I need some things to aspire to.
• Scrooge Moment: I know it's the holidays and it's all about giving but JESUS CHRIST YOU ASSHOLES I AM BROKE. Not to mention, not one of you donated to my race in the summer so I'm a little confused as to why you think I NEED TO DONATE TO YOUR CAUSE. Giving is a year round thing and not just a oh look booze with a cause! thing. That being said, I will attend some charity events this Christmas but don't be offended if yours is not one of them. Be happy that other people are attending and content yourself with the fact that I donate to causes all year and am tapped out by December.
• Statistics are the stupidest thing in sports. For instance, today I saw on someone's facebook status, "The top 5 SEC West teams are 34-1 against everyone but themselves." Ummmmmmm....what the fuck does that even mean? You basically took out ONE FUCKING team that probably dragged that stat down. Stats don't mean shit if you're randomly leaving things out. There are 12 teams in the SEC, 6 in the SEC West. You took the shitty team out so that you could inflate your ego. Fucking retarded. Anyone can manipulate stats to reflect what they are looking for. Also, like Verizon and AT&T both being number one. Number one in what? One of them is in coverage and the other in speed. But just to let you know how great AT&T's coverage is, they tell you in a commercial that they cover 97% of Americans. You might think this means 97% of America is on AT&T and think to yourself, holy shit! But no, friends. It means they can offer coverage in 97% of the United States.
• Why do people gush about their significant others on facebook? I don't give a fuck how blissfully happy you are. In fact, you're just asking for me to root for you to fail. And my guess is, you aren't happy. You just want everyone else to think you are.
• I'm still obsessed with the Randy Moss One Clap video. Mo this Mo that Mo this Mo that.
• Dear everyone, I'm broke. Stop asking me to do things that cost money. Dear self, stop fucking spending it on pointless shit.
• I love Victoria's Secret. Even fat people feel sexier in it.
• I need a coat rack.
• I need to go to more sporting events. Even when I don't like the teams, I like the games. Maybe I need to pick a city and like all the teams in the city. That might be helpful. Apparently, living in Atlanta and being a Pats and Yankees fan is not helping. Though I am close to hoping on the Falcons wagon- so much energy and excitement. Not to mention Samuel L Jackson.
• I could clothe a small village and yet I have nothing to wear. Ever. Even I don't understand how that works.
• I'm a really big bitch. Especially right now. I don't know what it is but I have no patience for stupidity. Or comparisons. I am not like anyone you know. I'm not like you. Stop pretending I am. Where is that coming from!?!?!?! Even I hate myself when I'm bitchy.
• Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be if I had gone to church on Sundays. Boring. But maybe married. And happy with the lot life gave me because it's in God's plans or some shit. Sigh.
• I'm going to drink a glass of wine and pretend a very attractive guy is on his way over. This seems to temporarily cure what ales me.

Internet Stalking Has Hit A New Low...

When you aren’t getting laid, there is nothing better than having a crush. Okay, sure sex in cop cars or hooking up on boats are pretty damn cool for one night stands but for the long haul crushes are what get you through the night. Stalking your crushes via the interwebs is even better.

As previously stated, I officially know my Gym Crush’s first and last name. On that level, I can no longer be considered a slut if I hook up with him. Armed with that information, I was able to use my handy dandy journalism skills to dig up some more deets on the muscled man who stars in so many of my fantasies. Since I know you loyal readers are wondering what is going on and like to be kept up to date, I thought I would share them with you all:

1. Homeboy has a brother. A what? A brother. You’re telling me there are TWO of my gym crush? Shit boi, tell me more. Well, Gym Crush just casually mentioned the brother so there was no way for me to casually dig up any more info on him. I wonder if he is as hot and dedicated to his body being a temple as Gym Crush is? Is he younger or older? Married or single?
2. He’s a family man and that was instilled in him by his Pops. His mom and dad own a trucking company here in Georgia and he’ll eventually inherit it (with my deductive reasoning skills, I think his brother must be younger). They’ve had the company for 25 years and with some sleuthing I was able to determine that they bring in between 3-5 million per year. The company employs 25 people according to their D&B. And I now have contact information through his work. And he’s listed as Sales Executive. Funny when you think he is covered in tattoos and piercings and getting business for the company (which his father cannot stand).
3. He’s heading to Panama City Beach next week. Yes, the Redneck Riviera. Boys Trip. Hmmm, might be time to rethink my vacation… What happens in Panama stays in Panama...
4. His wife’s name is Sandy.
5. He believes in honesty. As in, if his wife gets fat, he’ll leave her. So he told her so.
6. He attended the 14th Annual Tattoo Arts Convention in Atlanta in June. Where he got a tattoo on his torso. I’m going to spend my down time locating him through the 40+ vendors on the website. If I find a photo and post it here, someone ought to send me a prize.
   

Also, I’m pretty close to figuring out where he lives. For the sake of the blog. Just to see if I can do it. I’m not going to show up there and steal him out from under his wife. Like I could do that. But I would like to prove how fucking easy it is the learn EVERYTHING about someone just by searching the internet. And trust me, Gym Crush has an EXTREMELY common name so if I figure this out….well, private detecting might need to be my new calling.

Do you like bad boys?

Okay, so typically, I do not post from work but this morning I have got to talk about this guy at the gym. I'm the kind of girl who digs a surfer guy or a preppy guy. Jim was kind of in between- though he did have a period of long glorious locks and two eyebrow piercings. He always ended up in Polo shirts and khakis for a night out. Last I saw this was not the case and- WHY THE FUCK ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT HIM!?!?!

AN.Y.WAY.

This morning I was working out at the gym at 5 am. Usually, there is NO ONE attractive there (this includes me) but today as I was getting off the treadmill, after 35 minutes of running, I noticed this guy four treadmills over chatting with a woman next to him while he warmed up. He wore a hat so I have no idea if he had a full head of hair(isn't it weird how some guys are hot with hats and some aren't. And some take them off and you're like OH MY GOD. Put it back on!). He had diamond studs. He was bulky. Long sleeved, fitted workout t and pair of warm up pants. He looked good. And as I wandered over to do some ab work and stretch I kept kicking myself for my black leggings, green I Ate A Pie Barefoot Ball shirt. Who the hell would want to pick me up in a gym?

You may be asking why I would want to be picked up in a gym. Let me tell you. As I was doing crunches, I noticed the guy start a training session with his buddy and a personal trainer. No joke, I'm sweating in places I'd rather not discuss so I have no idea why but I was feeling incredibly sexual (hellooooo 5 month drought). Watching this guy lift weights was such a fucking turn on. Just thinking about it right now has me going. Then...

HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF.

Oh. My. Jesus. I was complaining a few weeks ago about the lack of eye candy at the gym but no more. This guy had a beautiful body. Typically, I like a guy with nice arms and I'm okay with a less than stellar body (hey, it would be hypocritical of me to request a perfect speciman). Generally, I am not attracted to bulky guys. But something about this guy was making me wish he'd take me to the shower and give it to me. Hard. He was the kind of guy who made you feel feminine all over and who would just dominate you.I mean his body was muscled all over and I kind of wanted to lick it all over. Bulky but not power lifter I-Think-I'm-the-Next-Arnold big. And he had this tattoo. And suddenly, I wanted a BAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDD Boy. Badly.

I believe the Tuesday morning 5 am workout session may just become a regular thing!