Monday Musings

• Would everyone please just shut the fuck up about this "Scam" Newton thing? (For those of you under a rock, Scam is what anyone outside of the Auburn fanbase has taken to calling Auburn quarterback Cam Newton) If nothing comes of this, you'll look like an ass. Which you already do since your team isn't as good and has a shittier record than Auburn. You just look like a fucking immature, sore loser. And if later on revelations lead to him being stripped of any awards he received this season and Auburn's record being tainted, then we can all have a nice little laugh and pat ourselves on the back for having been the bigger person at the time.
• Getting up in the morning is a lot harder than it used to be. Which I don't get since I now have a big girl job and something to live for. Or so I thought.
• My kitchen sink is clogged. I could have told you that was going to happen since my garbage disposal makes a weird noise and doesn't suck a damn thing down. That finally caught up to me. Unfortunately, that water is just going to hang out there until I clean the apartment because no one is getting past that door until my bras are put away.
• I really, really dislike the new employee in our office. Like I have no common ground and she's fucking dense. Also, asking me the same question over and over again is not going to get you a different answer. Actually, yes, my answer will change in that it will be a lot ruder (is that a fucking word?). I might throw a fucking or shit in there as well.
• Today I did nothing at work. And yet my boss thinks I'm a workaholic. I should have been an actress.
• This. Right. Here:

Make sure you listen for the That's What She Said Moment at around the 1:24 mark. If you go to You Tube watch their booze one too. Pretty classic. I actually really want to try it.

• I missed a deadline on my story. Which I guess I should work on right now. But reviewing educational software seems wayyyyy less fun than trolling the internet.
• I am the most unprofessional person. For instance, today I thought it might be a grand idea to share the link to this blog with one of my vendors (and my phone boyfriend...HIIIIIII TONY). This seems like a not very bright idea to everyone else but fuck it. Won't be the first time my internet shananigans get me into hot water.
• Blogger won't let me spell-check this. Whatever. I'll just spell everything wrong and see how much you enjoy reading it. Which is not possible actually as my degrees in journalism and literature prohibit me from purposefully posting something like that. However, if I speed through this and hit publish before I get a chance to review it mayyyyyybeeeee....

Monday Musings

• What is it about rain that renders already shitty Atlanta drivers into completely incompetent Atlanta drivers? The best part is that they think they can drive when clearly they could not even navigate their own empty driveway if paid to do so.
• I hate the doors to the back of our office building. Every morning, I walk in feeling good and catch my reflection. Utter deflation. Today I looked like an oversized blackberry. Like the fruit, not the phone. Though I guess that works, too.
• I went to the gym at 5 am. No one was there to let me in. I waited 45 minutes. Still no one. I called. No voicemail. I went home, defeated. I should have listened to that instinct that warned me no when I heard thunder immediately after my alarm.
• What is it about Mondays that fucking sucks so bad?
• Is coffee good for you or bad? I’ve heard both. It really pisses me off how the world can’t make up its mind about that and egg yolk. Pick one and stick with it people.
• I just spilled water all over myself. Monday is so craptastic it’s ridiculous.
• Once again, I do apologize and this should NEVER happen again.
• Because in the pouring rain, I wanted to get out of my car to get that number. ASSHOLE.
• Here’s a thought, always have two people open the gym on Mondays so this doesn’t happen again. Hmmm. Why do I have to explain everything to these people? Your apology does not get me back 45 wasted minutes.
• I have become a cautionary tale. It makes me laugh. But also scares me that so much of your personal life and free time can affect your job. It’s complete and utter crap. It should be separate like church and state. Shit, that was a terrible example.
• How is it 10 am and I have accomplished NOTHING?
• I have two college degrees and my current assignment at work is to stuff envelops. Why do people go to college anymore?
• I meant to do a weekend wrap up blog yesterday but my blogger was fucked up. Fucked up is putting it mildly. It crashed Barbie’s computer and her blackberry. Anyway weekend: Friday- work. Bleh. Saturday- work. Run 8 miles. More work. Hooters. Boneless Wings. Beer Me. Patron. Jack and Diet. More beer. Hotel Motel Holiday Inn. Pass out. WOOOOOO. Sunday- hangover, grocery shopping, fundraiser, work. Bleh. Don’t you feel like you were there?
• The mail machine and I just got into a disagreement. It was a hostile standoff but I came out victorious. Damn you, mail machine, seal and stamp my envelopes. Bitch.
• Gold’s Gym, I just made you my bitch. Don’t fuck with my morning work out.
• The plastic on my TRC water bottle smells like shit. And here I was about to say at least I left that job with one good thing but even that is now tainted. Damn you, waterbottle, damn you.
• Why do people I have no interest in want to date me? Seriously. And how do I not notice until the point of no return and guaranteed awkwardness?
• I know I’m dieting but I want my fucking girl scout cookies. Bitches are outside Wal Mart selling them so I know they are available. Little girl, give them to me NOW.
• Can people really be this stupid? The answer is, why, yes, yes they can. The people I work with are either lazy, blind or lack the ability to follow directions and check their work.
• And I just spilled my water for the second time today. Excellent. It’s like there is a hole in my lip. Drip, drip, drip.
• Seriously, I am going to waste my day fixing someone else’s mistakes instead of doing the rest of my job.
• I know I should be more forgiving. But it’s a wasted exercise since I’m like a rubberband. I snap right back into bitch mode.
• Why the sudden rush of fucking birthdays?