I want to do this

What I need:
1. A Partner in Crime
2. Shot glasses. Lots of them. I have over a dozen but you probs need your own.
3. Cardboard
4. Markers
5. Booze

Who's with me?

Conversations with my Personal Trainer

My personal trainer is the shit. In two months I went from 189 to 164. And I'm holding steady now mainly because I hurt my ankle which has made running impossible. Yesterday, my trainer and I met at Retro Fitness for a 30 minute session.

Trainer: So what have you eaten today.
Me: Candy.
Trainer: What?
Me: Candy. Are you deaf?
Trainer: How much?
Me: One Reese's Peanut Butter cup and a box of nerds.
Trainer: A whole box of nerds?
Me: A mini box. For Halloween. You know none of those bastard children came by my place so now I have tons of candy. Good shit too. None of that crap old peopel try to pass off as candy worth a shit.
Trainer: That's all you've eaten today?
Me: Eggs. And a sandwich. It was delicious. And by delicious I mean boring.
Trainer: No mayo.
Me: No mayo.
Trainer: Good. No more candy.
Me: It cost 10 bucks. So either the Mexicans down the street need to come trick or treating or you need to give me $10 not to eat it.
Trainer: I will not fall for this trick.

I promptly went home and had two boxes of nerds, sweet tarts and some kit kats. Fuck my trainer. I'm getting my money's worth.

STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!

Couple of things:
1. The Stop sign knows what is up.
2. She could fit a lot more than a cell phone in there.
3. She is unaware that the veil she is wearing is see through. "Oh no one will see me if I answer this text real quick!"
4. Who the fuck is texting her that is important enough for her to be responding? Shouldn't they BE AT THE WEDDING IF THEY MATTER THAT MUCH?!?!
5. The lack of balls on this guy is appalling. I hope he uses this video in the divorce proceedings.

Vagina Vagina Vagina

The sign to the left. Kirk is just too easy of a target.

Kids these days

So, my alma mater is Brookwood High School. Grayson High School was created while I was in high school and cherry picked kids from the surrounding high schools to attend. Apparently, since then, Grayson has been seeking a rival. And my alma mater is their target. So they created this delicious video:



My hope was Brookwood would keep their mouths shut and kick their asses on the field as the reigning state champs should do. Of course, they didn't. Don't come into our school and make a video and think we'll let that shit go.


1. Which do you like better?
2. The BHS guy has a point- Grayson's cheerleader choice is busted. The one on the left was the hottest cheerleader they could find?
3. There will be a lot of fights at this game. So I'm going to attend. Of course.

Conversations With My 70s Throwback

Yes, we were whatevers. Now he is like my best friend. Probably not the best choice in friends I have ever made but whatever. Occassionally, I get some super sweet gems of conversations. See below:

Me: Haha I hate meatloaf.
Him: Ha yeah, I understand that. Most people don't like it.
Me: Haha good thing you and I didn't work out or I wouldn't be able to eat half of what you make haha
Him: Haha well that would just leave more for me.
Me: Haha good point. Make sure you find a girl who doesn't like your cooking and lets you use her ass as a plate.
Him: Yeah that is a must for sure.
Me: Hahaha omg I want to write you a personal ad.
Him: That would be a very interesting personal ad.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm ridiculous.

Why Did the Hispanic Man Cross the Road?

If you've ever wondered what to do in a situation that has no positive outcomes, then you will enjoy this next ridiculous story from my ridiculous life. You see, I'm not the greatest driver in the world (5 speeding tickets between 17-20 and a judge who threatened to yank my license from me so fast my head would spin and then charged me a $350 fine. 5 wrecks, 3 were my fault).  Usually, I'm late and in a rush (similar to my birth I'm told) and I just don't judge my spacing very well.

So, you've been set up for the story.

So the other day I'm driving down the road (Buford Highway for you Atlantans) and suddenly from my left, I see an Hispanic man darting through traffic right into my path! WTF?!?! In case you were wondering, this is a normal occurrence. For some reason, people in Atlanta are so impatient and fucking stupid that they don't realize that Atlanta has these things called CROSSWALKS or that when the light is red you can cross. So I'm faced with a conundrum. Do I hit the Hispanic man and teach him a lesson? Do I swerve and honk rudely at him? Would he understand in either instance why I was frustrated?

I, of course, chose what I imagine is the more expensive of the two choices: I swerved into the curb and lost a hub cap, busted my wheel and blew out my tire. All less than a mile from my condo. Why did I make this choice? In the moment of indecision, I saw myself on television attempting to explain hitting a hispanic man. I saw that no matter what I said, I came off as racist. Therefore, I thought, a better idea would be to slam into a curb going 45 miles an hour and then slink off to my condo. Not even a honk to let him know how angry I was.

Replacing a wheel and tire ain't cheap y'all. Add in a balance, rotation and alignment adjustment and we're talking any money I had in savings. And no more flight to visit my boyfriend.

The lesson in this of course is that next time you hit the dumb fuck so he'll stop crossing the damn street at inopportune times.