My Dreams Could Come True...

When I was a wee young lass, I had dreams of being a professional athlete. This was probably due to the fact that my father decided to bestow upon me the title of "favorite son" after my brother demonstrated a propensity for falling flat on his face any time he attempted to put one foot in front of the other (resulting in 4 "dead" front teeth in case you were wondering). From that point on, Daddy and I spent Sundays watching football where I would pick teams from the comfiest spot in the house- his lap- while eating potato chips and drinking soda (in Jersey everything is not COKE). This was often followed by WWF (I had stretch Hulk) and in the offseason NASCAR. On my 10th birthday, I got my first Starter Jacket which I wore ALL. THE. TIME.

Until I was 13 I figured I would be the first female to play in the NFL. And not as a kicker. QB sure. RB why not? WR DEFINITELY.

And then suddenly, in 8th grade the guys in my class GREW. And I mean GREW. From when I was ten until present day I have been 5'6" and up until that point I was the second tallest person in my grade (the first being Kurt. Clearly my crush since he was the only one taller than me). My fantasies of scoring a TD for the Giants were crushed.

But now, part of my dream can come alive thanks to Miller Lite. How's that you ask? They are offering a chance to be a falcon for a day. And all you have to do is text them. Follow the link for the directions on who to text what.

And if you win, take me with you!

Did Hell Freeze Over or Did Tebow Go in The First Round?

I think, despite the low number of posts involving him, I’ve made my dislike to Tim Tebow pretty apparent. While I would say 20% of the dislike stems from the fact that he was and always will be a Florida Gator. As a Bulldog fan, I have been trained to dislike anything Florida upon learning of the association. In fact, I once named a pesky roach after Urban Meyer after their douchebag coach. The hatred has spread to South Carolina simply due to the fact that they hired that asshat (assvisor?) Head Ball Coach who apparently is giving himself more of a workout than his players so he can be harder on them thus driving them to success. Dude, let it go, they are the gamecocks for God’s sake.

Anyway, back to Tebow. Yesterday there was some chatter on facebook, specifically my friend Chris’ page about Tebow and the draft. Involving references to tears and eye black and general ridiculousness that surrounds him and including my very own, on the fly, Tebow drinking game. I was wondering the other day when the hell Jesus is planning on gracing us with his presence (third times the charm?) and how bad things will have to be for this to happen. Then I realized Tim Tebow IS Jesus. I mean things are pretty bad in the world right now and here’s Timmy boy giving small boys something to hope for by snipping at their manhood, making anti-abortion ads in which he divebombs his own Mother (shit, what is her name- Mary? Nope Pam) and, oh yeah, parting the red sea of football with his half-assed arm. I know, blasphemy you are thinking but whatever. My life is in shambles, I think it’s safe to say I have a long wait at the pearly gates so I might as well enjoy what I’m saying down here. What if Tim Tebow is our savior in a modern day sense? Suicide is frowned upon in Catholicism but if I have to drink Saint Timmy blood and eat his bread…whoa boy. I won’t make it.

Enough about Jesus. Another miracle (whoops) occurred last night in a sense that Timmy boy went in the first round. I had boldly predicted there might finally be some justice in this world and he’d go in the third round but NOOOO…Saint Timmy must have circumcised some extra boys and asked God for a favor while he had his ear because Denver used the 25th pick to snap up the former Florida Gator. Or perhaps, Denver knew they were his only option considering his Wonderlic score proved he doesn’t learn new things quickly so he needs a team with the same color scheme or he’s doomed for failure. Way to take one for the NFL Denver. Poor Knowshon. Luckily he’s a class act and will probably have nothing but accolades to heap upon his new teammate. I on the otherhand will be praying for Timmy’s mortality to be revealed so ESPN can find a new GREATEST COLLEGE PLAYER OF ALL TIME. With my luck, Denver will make use of him or he’ll be praised for making the team more cohesive and doing a bang up job holding a clipboard (“Do you see the way he wears those headphones? With authority. This team would be lost without him!” exclaims Joe Buck as he stares into Troy Aikman’s eyes). Jesus being his homeboy, they probably win the Superbowl, too.

Vomit.

Football Friday

Dear ESPN,

I am taking time out of my extremely busy schedule of stuffing envelopes, printing files and data entry to write you a letter expressing my concern over your programming decisions- specifically those of your assignments editor. I know this may come as a shock to you and your employees but outside of Bristol, Connecticut and Gainseville, FL we do not give a flying fuck about the second coming of Christ known commonly here on earth as Tim Tebow.

Now, I don't want to wake up to Tim Tebow in any way shape or form. Any day, time or place. But it is especially frustrating that I have to wake up to Saint Tim at 5 am while getting my work out on. Don't you think I'm pissed enough that I am up at that ungodly hour working my ass off to fit in my pants? If you are going to continue your banal blather extolling the virtues of an overrated douchebag (actually his douchebaggary is not overrated...just everything else about him) then I suggest you cease showing Sports Center on repeat from 11 pm to 7 am every damn day. Imagine the horror if you left your TV on and woke up in the middle of the night to see the goofy mug of Saint Tim on your TV screan. Scarred for life I tell you.

I know ESPN has been Saint Timmy's biggest cheerleader and why not? His image is so good for football fodder: home schooled boy with natural talent signs up for football team at local high school, goes on to the University of Florida and behind a talented team helmed a journey to both a Heisman trophy and a National Championship. All while promoting a vision of God and greatness. He is the perfect football idol for small children.

Except, that in your unabashed 24/7 promoting of him even when he's not playing we've all grown SICK OF HIM. His name literally makes me want to vomit...EVERYWHERE. I curse viciously. Instead of being impressed by his talent, I find myself laughing with glee when he stumbles. Actively searching for stories about his shortcomings. It's hard to feign interest in someone who has overtaken the very sport he plays. And the constant comparisons to other players...BLEH. Greatest player ever? He hasn't even tried his hand at pro football. And let's just say, the boys you tend to fawn over in college ain't doing so grand in the pros currently. They haven't really blown up like you predicted.

The guy got a 22 on the Wunderlic test for fuck's sake. He's had to change his throwing motion before even attending the combine. What he's good at is drawing a crowd so the Buffalo bills might want to hit that up quick like. The funniest thing to me is scanning the media stories about him. Check out the comments: if Tebow is football's most popular player and should be brought to NYC for the draft so he can be on TV why is he so hated on the message boards. If people love him so much, why is he so ridiculed. Why are there drinking games MAKING FUN OF THE MEDIA'S PORTRAYAL OF HIM?

For Tim Tebow's sake (and my reflux) step it down a notch. I don't need to hear about Tim Tebow during March Madness, or NASCAR, or anything else. Until he proves himself at the next level, let's dial down your adoration a notch. The draft is coming up and you've spent more time on someone who may not even get picked until Sunday over guys who have really stepped up their game and will be first-rounders. It's utterly ridiculous. And no amount of your preaching is going to make me like the guy more.

Sincerely,

Berryfine

PS. I thought about putting facts and figures and shit in here but there are people who don't watch football who read this crap so I thought maybe I'd cut that out.

PPS. Same goes for Tiger. Seriously. He fucked up, he likes sex, he's kind of a dick and he's great at his sport. We get it.